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More muddles, messes and ashamedness

April 7, 2009

My head is still a little wooly, there’s stuff going on but I’m on the other side of the window: I can’t quite see or hear or be part of the action. Something’s coming through, however, and it’s ashamedness. I’m ashamed I got drunk. I didn’t go anything dodgy, behave weirdly (apart from overly energetic dancing) or go mental; so all should be good, right? Weelll… I don’t know why it’s such a problem. I had a great time, but the minute people start talking about it, it turns into a weapon to eat at myself with. It’s not something I should do, I should be the good girl in the corner looking after people. I wish my shoulds and coulds would disappear, and take their burden on me away too. Tally makes me really drunk really easily, and I don’t see the problem, and I wish it wasn’t newsworthy for others. I don’t drink often, but when I do, I do. It gets out of hand too easily- I want to drink to feel something else. It always goes fine, I don’t make a fool of myself, but why is it no longer acceptable? Last year, they all got paralytic but I wasn’t 18 so I couldn’t go out; now I’m 18 I’m drinking heavily, and enjoying it. Anyway, I suspect there’s no point in relecting more on this- I could go on forever and no doubt it’d make things worse.

Tomorrow, I’m preparing to go to ‘fame’ night at a club in Manchester and seeing my supposed boyfriend that I haven’t seen since last October. I think it’s pretty much over, but I don’t know what he thinks; that’s not a relationship and again, my head is too messed up to handle it- just like last year.

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