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Muddles and Messes

April 5, 2009

There’s thoughts going on, wordless thoughts that mean I can’t place it for sure. It’s all hanging over me, wordless messes that can’t be changed. I’ve written some things in a notepad, things that at the time were on my mind at the time but there’s nothing here this time. I’m not fretting about expectations of me, today has worked very well in terms of lying and pretending. See, I love uni, it’s just some other stuff, so I leave that out and exagerrate the stuff I do like. Simple. Then there’s the parental experience in conjunction with clothing and how I’m not thin to them, never was never will. Learning to ignore it, to seethe silently whilst feeling rather smug that my dress is a 6-8, not the 10 they think it is. And that I’m not a 10, that when in Marks & Spencer yesterday my mum asked me if a 10 would be better when I already know the 8 fits very nicely thank-you-very-much. So, I can feel smug, and I’m coping with the ‘how is university?’ etc question. What does that leave? This thing, whatever it may be, just hanging around, just being there, just existing that I can’t put my hand on. I’m grappling around, but it’s still not coming round. I’m not hugely frustrated, down or upset, I’m handling it; handling it but not comfortable. I like clarity, I like things to be transparent… so I don’t like this. I wish I could put my hand on it, but I won’t devote too much energy to my search- when I start desperately searching things get bad and I’m trying to keep my mood okay. (Well as okay as I can, but my parents aren’t letting my stay in my jimmies and lie in bed all day. Ah, to be home…)

5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 5, 2009 8:38 pm

    Can I have a quick recap re: parents and weight? (If you can be bothered and it won’t be distressing.) I seem to have missed something. Or if there’s a relevant post, direct me to it.

    There’s a good girl *pat*

    Would you ever go into M&S without your mum? πŸ™‚
    (I go with my aunty. She thinks the Per Una range is “trendy.”)

  2. April 5, 2009 9:07 pm

    Yep, sure.

    And I do go, mainly for food but their strappy tops are really good compared to elsewhere, and only a fiver πŸ˜‰ Only thing I’d get from there, although maybe their jeans may be worth a look…

    I don’t think there is a post, so I’ll write one soon


  3. April 5, 2009 9:39 pm

    Mhmm.. your mum sounds like mine – who incidently bought size 16 pajamas for me a few months ago. Not what you need when you have eating/body image issues…

    Still you seem to have taken it well. And concentrating on what you love sounds like an excellent idea.

    And if all else fails, don’t forget it won’t be too long before you’re back at Uni.

    Take care,

  4. April 5, 2009 9:43 pm

    I got a LOVELY shiny red handbag there in the big sale before Christmas so shouldn’t complain.

    But I will.

    I’m disappointed by how old lady everything is. I’m not suggesting they target the Top Shop crowd, but they could at least make some concession to the under 50s. They’d do better to put more emphasis on the basics – vests (as you say) t-shirts, leggings, etc. – and rebrand themselves as classic but modern. But they’re too scared of losing the blue rinse brigade.

    The jeans are an old-fashioned cut, IMO. If you can fit into H&M, buy H&M!

  5. April 5, 2009 10:25 pm

    Differently: Gotta love parents, eh? And yeah, 2 weeks πŸ˜€ Getting to the point where I can’t wait, but, by the same token, I LOVE being home with other people, so it’s not so bad!

    La: I was pleasantly surprised yesterday by some of their stuff (just the basics, I understand everything else!) I think the basics are pretty good (just some too long!)

    I’m short legged, so unfortunately H&M isn’t possible (but I do have a lovely pair of cords from there that we had to take up 6 inches!) The flares in M&S looked pretty good (I didn’t actually try them on, maybe I’ll change my mind after that!)


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