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“Keep safe, I want to see you at Easter”

April 2, 2009

If we’re talking of achievements, I’ll have that one. The target of Easter has been reached, she’s seen the evidence I’m still here. I need to find a new point to keep going for, my life shouldn’t be an endless stream of ‘just a few more weeks…’ but it is at the moment and I’m trying to change that. Trying to get stuff in the diary. Trying to keep trying, even when hope escapes me. Trying for CBT Lady so I can say I’m trying. Where is the point in help without trying, and if I’m in a place to be able to do it, then great. Citalopram can stay, it appears.

I’m debating about whether to go to Hungary in the summer or not. I want to, but do I really? I really want to experience Sziget at least once, but right now my head isn’t being too great with me.

I feel trapped. Chained in, tied down, locked in. Expectations dashed, plans knocked, teddies cuddled. Being there isn’t enough, I have to communicate, adhere to routines. My activities are checked up on, questions and how was your day? I’m not used to this, not used to have every moment accounted for, having to recall what I’ve done that day; my acitivities at Uni are sporadic and decided there and then. I don’t have a reason for going to places, I just go. It’s another world, different to tree lined gardened suburbia; a life I’m out of the habit of living- trees, parks, friends and enemies. Local small shops and people that’ve known me since I was 4. All those things, all things I have t adapt to, all things that I was used to, all things that shake my routine and tease me out of my coping mechanisms. This life is a lifetime away from what I’ve grown used to. I don’t deal with change well- I’d prefer things to stay the same but they can’t. Things fall into place then are exploded out, my shield goes up and down, sticking eventually in a place which isn’t beneficial for anyone. This shield removes the upness of my mood that was in Birmingham, it would have been useful, I need that energy to just keep going to make the effort of having to keep being accountable. It would have been perfect- the perfect lie for the unperfect.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    April 2, 2009 6:55 pm

    See that’s the rub just there Kate Rabbit, you are trying for CBT Lady. But are you trying for you, or just humouring her, or trying to be “good”? The motions are just that, going through them, doesn’t seem to be helping you much Rabbit.

    I wish I had the answers, how to make it seem not just survival, existance, but something more quantifiable. But I think that might be the problem, that the emphasis is on the wrong thing. Like the point of it all, is to live it, not to find the point of it all. The quantifiable bit is that it pleases you, not that it can be marked up on someone elses scorecard as “The right thing” to be doing in someone else eyes.

    *Sighs* I may be projecting here…

    Sometimes change is good, because there is much satisfaction to be gleaned from leaving your comfort zone and surviving.

    Lola x

  2. April 2, 2009 7:13 pm

    This is the thing, Lola. I’m not sure why I am trying; to be compliant or because there’s something in there for me? I’m giving up on believeing that I will get better, but by the same token, I’m not sure my motivation would have lasted *this* long if I didn’t believe in it.

    I think part of my problem is placing monetary value on happiness, as in ‘I could go to the park, but the bus fare’s expensive, I’ll stay at home instead’ so I’m trying to be less tight fisted but I don’t want to run out of money either (which is irrational- I do have the money to do all this stuff). Also, I probably think about what others think too much… bah.

    I’ll try to remember to be satisfied that I’m surviving away from my comfort zone, somehow it doesn’t feel like an achievement, but little steps and all.

    xx

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    April 4, 2009 7:07 am

    Funny how much that second paragraph rings true. I wonder how much of your reluctance to spend money on happiness is a control thing, and how much is because you don’t believe that you are worth the expense? I always used to think “ah well, that 10 minutes happier doesn’t get me anywhere, does it? Not in the big scheme of things, doesn’t fix the problem” Whereas it does, sort of. That’s like one of those little steps.

    xx

  4. April 4, 2009 11:38 am

    Indeed. I’ll keep trying… *falls asleep*

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