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I hate who I used to be, I hate who I’ve become

March 20, 2009

Yes, the last post has disappeared; it was an over reaction to what was probably worry more than trying to be offensive.

In this post, I talked about what I hate about my thirteen year old self; seemingly I can’t win because I hate who I’ve become too. This makes me moany and emo, right? Well not being able to get out of bed, to keep having to ask for help, for deadline extensions and facebook pictures of myself all make me hate myself thrice. I hate asking for help, I never did when I was younger; my mum had to persuade me for months to get help for the phobia, and all of a sudden… I kept reaching out, kept splurging my story instead of keeping a Stiff British Upper Lip. CBT lead to Counselling x2 and numerous doctors’ appointments to referrals to Birmingham to the MHW to counselling and the CMHT. But none of it should have ever happened. I shouldn’t have succumbed to my mum telling me to, the assessment for CBT made everything come crumbling down, made me realise that actually I wasn’t okay as I thought I was. She told me I might be depressed, that thinking about suicide wasn’t normal, how I felt wasn’t normal. But it was to me, it was and still is my existence. Maybe it’s just me, maybe this is ME and I’m trying to change something that can’t be changed?

For a second, I’ll explore what would have happened if I hadn’t got CBT: Stopped leaving the hosue completely, being freaked out even in my own home, being so paranoid about the tapes, what they were going to do to me; seeing them, dreaming about them… I’m sure it would have got the better of me someday. I guess in a way, it was something I had to do: I had to get help for it, it was urgent. It was impacting heavily on my life. Like depression is, I guess.

At the assessment yesterday, there were lots of questions about me, who I was, what I think of myself etc, but I wonder if the reason I can’t remember is because it’s always been this way? I said what I say every time about my past: more active, more confident, more buzzy; since tally got upped I’ve been pretty buzzy…. and it’s been scaring people. People my age understand and respond, others a little older go WTF and ask if I’m on drugs. The hyper girl singing, dancing and buzzy is the real me, deal with it.

I’m not meant to lie around crying about the thought of going out, as I am now; I’m not meant to ‘forget’ to eat; I’m not meant to always be conscious of how I’m feeling and how I have to tow the line even when I don’t want to. To remain mindful of the fact that yes I can drink but it may make me feel bad, to have to try and get to bed before 2am or it’ll cause serious problems mood wise. I’m 18, I should be out and ‘on it’. I should be able to do what I want when I want. Not stuck in this room with lists of stuff to do but no energy to do it. I need to post my mothers’ day card… the post office is 5 mins away max but that is a galaxy away. An entire galaxy and I have to walk through treacle to get there. I want to hide away from going on stage to collect my award tonight, I don’t want to go to the ceremony; to the pub or Oceana either. I just want to be here. Here… and okay.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    March 20, 2009 4:38 pm

    “This makes me moany and emo, right?”

    Nope. Makes you depressed Kate-Rabbit. Seems like you are beating yourself up for beating yourself up. I suspect that you might beat yourself up some more for doing that too.

    It’s so weird how much I identify with you, and it seems so simple when you read on someone elses blog, that they are being really hard on themselves, yet it’s so much more difficult to apply it to ourselves. I reckon if you read this post on another blog you’d be the first to comment for the author to be kind to themselves, and give themselves a break.

    You don’t have to be “Out and on it”, you can be whatever you are happy being. It doesn’t make you any less of a person if you need some time out, or want to do something you enjoy rather than something others expect of you. If they even expect it of you at all. I thought for years that everyone expected me to be a size 6, yet no one seems to be that bothered now that I am considerably heavier. It’s me that takes issue with it and can’t let go of the fact that no one sets these standards except me.

    I guess these things just take some time.

    Lola x

  2. March 20, 2009 5:19 pm

    It’s true, I’d be saying don’t beat yourself up… but here I am not listening to my own advice (again)!

    I would like to be ‘out and on it’ sometimes, just every time a wall of tiredness hits me and it just goes down the drain. I’m not feeling an expectation about this; I’ve stopped going out with my flat mates pretty much. I think it’s for the better… I do still struggle with some standards however.

    Maybe everything’s just going to have to slot back into place, and I need to stop feeling so tired!


  3. Lola Snow permalink
    March 20, 2009 9:27 pm

    I hear you on that one. Have been in bed since tuesday night. I might treat myself to a shower…. 🙂

  4. March 21, 2009 8:57 am

    A shower? That’s FAR too much effort!!!

  5. Karoline permalink
    November 2, 2012 12:37 am

    i have never related to someone more, the only difference is i’m still afraid of therapy. when i’m depressed i can’t even walk outside, it feels too real and i want to remain in dreamland. i’ve wasted so many years like this and the thing tht’s helped me the most is my weekend job. it’s the first time i’ve ever felt welcomed and needed. no one in my family has ever felt the need to step in, even when i was close to suicide and punching myself just to feel something. i’m 17 now and while i still constantly feel like giving in to who i used to be i finally have someone telling me who i can become. i don’t believe our situations are the same, they’re different in many ways. but i do still feel extremely comforted to know there’s someone facing a similar struggle. i noticed these posts are from a long time ago and i don’t expect a response, i just felt the need to express my gratitude. thank you for sharing your story

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