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Hurting people by accident

March 15, 2009

I think in the arena of depresion, it’s too easy for certain things to become normal. For me, suicidal ideation is part and parcel of my life, yet other people can’t understand and get upset about it, they can’t bear or work out why you would want to kill yourself; it’s obvious to me why you would.

This weekend, I think I’ve really hurt someone, and I mean really. Made them cry. Just because of this. I’m feeling guilty as hell but it’s also opened my eyes, how far fetched my thinking is from reality. Her parting shot at Gloucester Rd Tube station was “Keep safe, I want to see you at Easter”. In a way, it’s totally thrown me, what do you say to that? I can’t say yes or no for definite. It’s shocked me as well because I can’t understand why anyone would be upset or why anyone would care if I committed suicide.

What too was interesting was how she sees me as an amazing person that’s got a good personality, is really pretty and has lots of friends. Well, I don’t quite see it myself that way. How do I see myself I hear you ask? The fact that I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror speaks volumes. In a way this is all evidence of what depression says, that it warps the truth and well, in a way plays mindgames.

I can count it as evidence, use it as reassurance and tell myself it’s depression talking, keep trying to fight that and try to look myself in the eye in the mirror. To dress well, to try and make the best of myself. It’ll work, until depression catches up and shouts me down again.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 15, 2009 10:39 pm

    *hug* it’s hard when depression distorts our thoughts. It makes things that should be strange normal and makes normal things seem strange and unwanted. My consultant says that suicide is a safe position for me. It’s something I am comfortable with.

  2. March 15, 2009 11:57 pm

    It’s just realising what isn’t you and what is depression… it’s just so blargh xx

  3. ally permalink
    March 25, 2009 5:02 pm

    sounds to me like your friend just wants you to keep safe and trying to let you know they really love you and can’t wait to see you again…

    it must be worrying for your friends… the only thing i can say is that eventually you do see the silver lining and it’s worth holding on until you turn the corner, as often we want to opt out before we see our situation turn around. trust me i speak from experience. having seen my own depression turn around i would like to give you hope that you wont’ always feel like this… and in the future, should those feelings happen again you will have learnt so many coping strategies to be able to rise above it.

    lovely stranger who i have just happ’d upon on the internet… i do hope things turn around for you soon.

    god bless x

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