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Conversations with my 13 year old self

March 3, 2009

Last night I discovered some parts of my past, the traces of my 13 year old online self. I hate myself for who I was, I know at that age things are different and you grow up, but now who I was I can’t bear in other people, so how can I bear myself? Text speak, two faced inane twat who just keeps going on. I avoid those people nowadays, yet I was one of them. Old MSN conversations have been lost long ago, much to my happiness because I don’t want to think about those days. It’s not just how I acted I hate, it’s the fact that we’ve come full circle: I’m back to feeling how I was feeling back then. How things haven’t really changed, or how this isn’t really new, I just took a break for a year or so before going back to how I was. And this scares me, what if this is always, forever? Whatever if the couple of ‘good years’ are the only ones I have? It scares me. It makes me look pesimistic, but I can’t snap out of thinking ‘what if’. I’m scared of it always being like this, that the diary entries from when I was 13, the plans I made should have been acted out then to save me from this now. I feel stupid for not letting myself go, for instead sticking with it, believeing that if I changed my lifestyle this would all go away. All that changed was the bullies went away and I got space, now my self esteem has returned to rock bottom and I’m ashamed of all of this. Because, well, I’ve not changed at all, 5 years ago. 5 years are a repeat of forever? Things may get temperamentally better, then slide again? If so, I don’t want that, and I can’t understand why anyone would… Maybe I should have acted out what I wanted to 5 years ago.

You’re angry
I know this
The world couldn’t care less
You’re lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You’re crying
At night when
Nobody else is home”

Pink- Conversations with my 13 year old self.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 3, 2009 3:49 pm

    I’ve been reliably informed by those much older and wiser than myself, that we all look back and think of ourselves as obnoxious little brats at that age. I’d take it as a sign that you have changed.

    I too have gone down the path of what if…. I could have saved myself so much pain. But you’d have denied yourself the chance for happiness as well. As far as what the future holds, I don’t know, no-one can- not much help I know. But moods do lift, depression does go away. I hope that you start to feel better soon.

    Take care,
    Differently

  2. March 3, 2009 8:42 pm

    Thanks, differently x

  3. March 4, 2009 4:46 pm

    Oh yah, the fun is still to come in five year’s time when you look back at yourself at 18 😉

    But, if I can lapse into a homily for a minute, when you know better you do better. You don’t show up to life prepared for it. Making mistakes and acting like a shit is how you learn not to be a shit. The important thing is that you do learn.

    Have you ever seen Kate Beaton’s conversations with her younger self? Maybe you might fancy doing your own? (I’m proof that you don’t need artistic talent to draw.)

  4. March 4, 2009 10:01 pm

    I’ll have a look at it, La. It’s true about it’s how you learn, i guess.
    xx

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  1. I hate who I used to be, I hate who I’ve become « Blue skies and green grass

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