Flogged but not beaten

I’m taking hits from all sides: energy, eating, mood and generally everything. These whips keep whipping me, but I’m still here, still fighting, and that’s what I intend to keep doing. My sleep is quite screwy at the mo, a few hours here and there, or just completely disturbed dreams that morph into something that I think has happened in everyday life. They can be quite scary, whilst others are just quite frankly ridiculous.

I’m completely unaware of what my body is telling me; I didn’t eat for 14 hours today because I completely forgot… until I sort of ended up on the floor wondering what the stabbing pain in my stomach was. That has been rectified by pizza and ice cream, but nothing has a taste. Nothing makes me want to eat food. It’s all just a texture in my mouth that I’d prefer not to have, thank you very much.

My mood is well, changeable. I am beginning to enjoy things, but only for a bit. Then the lack of energy kicks in and I just want to go back to bed. It’s not boredom, it’s not that bad. It’s just I start looking for excuses to leave and hide. I have realised however, that perhaps I’m just not that a social person… that therapists etc are forcing me to socialise… when it just isn’t my thing! I know that yes, I need social contact, but maybe I’ve been having too much? Last night I stayed in, read a book and watched some Gossip Girl, and I was perfectly content with that; if I’d have gone out with the rest of my flat would I be having such a good time? I very much doubt it. But, I need to be aware of this, that they can ask me to invite friends to go for walks etc… when really, I just want some peace and quiet. A prime example of this was when I went to Canon Hill Park on my own, was perfectly content… then both my mate and MHW said I should have gone with someone. Well, actually, it was better without. I can do what I want, when I want and just get away from things. At the moment, I have a really, really low tolerance to people. I can cope with maybe an hour or two max, but after that, things get progressively worse and I get fairly aggressive/worked up inside at least. My tolerance will come back at some time, but for now this works.

I need to make a doctors’ appointment for some more Tally, I think I’m going to ask for the dose to be kept the same, to work out what’s going on, for hopefully some things to start changing and because I can’t tell really. Maybe that’s a quick way to saying the dose needs to go up, but there have been times when it has been good, and I don’t know whether it’s a case of final push, or it’ll send me over the top!