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Flogged but not beaten

March 1, 2009

I’m taking hits from all sides: energy, eating, mood and generally everything. These whips keep whipping me, but I’m still here, still fighting, and that’s what I intend to keep doing. My sleep is quite screwy at the mo, a few hours here and there, or just completely disturbed dreams that morph into something that I think has happened in everyday life. They can be quite scary, whilst others are just quite frankly ridiculous.

I’m completely unaware of what my body is telling me; I didn’t eat for 14 hours today because I completely forgot… until I sort of ended up on the floor wondering what the stabbing pain in my stomach was. That has been rectified by pizza and ice cream, but nothing has a taste. Nothing makes me want to eat food. It’s all just a texture in my mouth that I’d prefer not to have, thank you very much.

My mood is well, changeable. I am beginning to enjoy things, but only for a bit. Then the lack of energy kicks in and I just want to go back to bed. It’s not boredom, it’s not that bad. It’s just I start looking for excuses to leave and hide. I have realised however, that perhaps I’m just not that a social person… that therapists etc are forcing me to socialise… when it just isn’t my thing! I know that yes, I need social contact, but maybe I’ve been having too much? Last night I stayed in, read a book and watched some Gossip Girl, and I was perfectly content with that; if I’d have gone out with the rest of my flat would I be having such a good time? I very much doubt it. But, I need to be aware of this, that they can ask me to invite friends to go for walks etc… when really, I just want some peace and quiet. A prime example of this was when I went to Canon Hill Park on my own, was perfectly content… then both my mate and MHW said I should have gone with someone. Well, actually, it was better without. I can do what I want, when I want and just get away from things. At the moment, I have a really, really low tolerance to people. I can cope with maybe an hour or two max, but after that, things get progressively worse and I get fairly aggressive/worked up inside at least. My tolerance will come back at some time, but for now this works.

I need to make a doctors’ appointment for some more Tally, I think I’m going to ask for the dose to be kept the same, to work out what’s going on, for hopefully some things to start changing and because I can’t tell really. Maybe that’s a quick way to saying the dose needs to go up, but there have been times when it has been good, and I don’t know whether it’s a case of final push, or it’ll send me over the top!

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 1, 2009 2:33 pm

    Hi,

    I know what you mean. Sometimes I really enjoy being on my own and I am quite contented with that, but somehow am being “forced” into socialising which I don’t like.

    Jess

  2. March 1, 2009 6:52 pm

    I think it’s all a case of finding a balance. Yes we need a social network, but everyone also needs to have time to be alone with themselves and at the end of the day, only you know where the balance between these lies.

    Take care,
    Differently

  3. March 1, 2009 7:58 pm

    You’re both right, I think. Finding the balance and having space… some are more social than others, and I think that’s part of it!

    xx

  4. March 2, 2009 1:32 pm

    I agree, that balance is important, but right now, I’m preferring to be on my own that have to act like I’m ok in front of people. Gah!

    Please make that Dr’s appointment. x

  5. March 2, 2009 2:22 pm

    I’m doing that too now, Ruby. Locked in my room away, away… just I’m also not doing any work. My wall is far too inviting for some reason…

    The Drs appt is made, we’ll see what happens with it. Still undecided about if it needs to go up, but she can make the decisions, I’ll just sit there and sleep. In fact, I may do that now…

    xx

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