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Mute

February 24, 2009

>.<

Because no-one knows what’s going on inside me, the fight that’s taking me over. The fight to contain my thoughts, the fight to cope and pretend everything’s okay.

Last night was like so many other nights, I hated it. Walking around Wilkinson’s and Asda with only one thing on my mind, trying not to let the sea wash over me and for that obsession to come true: the path to self destruction, self harm and maybe if I’m lucky, a bit of suicide thrown in for good measure. Walking around, pausing at the razor blades, first aid stuff, bleach, DIY and then the alcohol aisle of Asda. It screams of times past, fluoxetine times that I thought were gone. Yet it can all come echoing back…

Then the food shop, I came out with next to nothing, only the stuff I’d bought for cake making with People & Planet later, and some bits and bobs… my mind couldn’t focus on what I need, the only shopping list in my head was for suicide; that doesn’t generally consist of ‘normal’ food, does it?

I’ve been awake now for so long, so long because I’m not eating right, I recognise that. Will I do anything? No. Why? Because I’m fat and the dreams are getting worse, merging with reality; I can’t tell what’s happened and what’s not. It’s scary, what I’m dreaming and that I can’t work out whether it happened or not. It’s things I hate, things I hate to talk about, things I’m ashamed of… yet my head is still telling me this has happened.

People think I’m getting better. My lecturers are commenting upon my work getting better. That’s as maybe, but things are advancing in my head, things I can try to hide for so long until they explode again, then we’ll be back to square one. Back to basics, start again. I can think about how far I’ve come, but I’ve not really. It’s just I’m more stable, that’s all; I won’t act without giving it huge thought, and that’s where the problems come.

I’m trying to keep this all in my head, pretend it’s all alright, but it’s not. There are a few ‘normal’ desperations at the moment: home. Manchester. Love. I hate to be angry with myself about a guy (the one I wrote about in this post) but he’s gone and started going out with another girl that I know very well. I’m sad, angry and frustrated: I know I’m in no position for a boyfriend right now, but I’d like occasionally to feel appreciated, and for guys (preferably him) to show an interest. This isn’t the first time a guy has gone off with one of my friends, it actually keeps happening. It’s true all the good guys are taken.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 24, 2009 10:11 am

    I don’t know what to say and feel a bit useless so apologies in advance.

    Firstly, *just* more stable? Don’t knock it, that’s a big achievement. Forget polar expeditions and scaling mountains. Living your life, day in day out, is the real challenge. One most of us mood disordered (me incl.) struggle with every single day. So the fact that you’re more stable means you are doing really, really well.

    When you start to feel better, you feel like you should keep getting better, don’t you? It’s so frustrating when you stall, so devastating when you seem to go backwards, so unfair life turns out to be a game of snakes and ladders.

    Secondly, do you write down your shopping list? It’s easier if you do. You can go through the supermarket checking off your list. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t exist to you. (Unless it’s Jaffa Cakes, obv.)

    I’m also impressed your baking cakes with People and Planet. That sounds fun and sociable and an all round good thing for you.

    Thirdly, this is patronising but true:

    You’re only 20.

    Most people you’re age aren’t in wonderfully happy loved up relationships. Honestly.

    Keep safe xx

  2. February 24, 2009 10:13 am

    You’re not your. *dies of shame*

  3. February 24, 2009 12:10 pm

    *smiles at your typo :)*
    I guess you forget the little stages, it’s sort of becomes and all or nothing: you’re better or you’re not.

    I do write down my list, just when I was trying to write it my mind was blank, I didn’t really want to go to Asda, just I had to for cake stuff… in fact all I *really* needed was fruit, veg and meat which I just got from the market. Just unfortunately my lists are comprehensive and can include bad things if I feel like writing them down. I’ll try and exercise more control however!

    Oh, and I’m 18 😉 Not to make you feel old and all; I know sometimes people aren’t happy, but they seem it anyway, and I want a slice!

    xx

  4. February 25, 2009 6:30 pm

    Eighteen. Faith and begorra.

    I do remember lamenting “Even Myra Hindley had a boyfriend” in my diary when I was that age, even though I never left the bloody house to meet anyone *rolls eyes*

  5. February 25, 2009 10:21 pm

    Yeah, I’m the same; it’s not like I put myself out there, yet still complain!

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