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My latest obsession

February 22, 2009
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Is burning calories. As little food as possible. To be thin.

Eat fewer calories than you burn, walk as far as you can, as fast as you can then back again. The thought of food makes me sick, it going down my neck and pushing my stomach out further, getting fatter and fatter with every mouthful I take. The reassuring feeling of weakness, dizzyness and sickness takes over; reminding you of what a worthwile fight this is. To be thin is everything, to continue into obeseity isn’t.

This is what I think about all day long; morning, afternoon and night. How many calories will this burn, how many it will not; how I’m so lazy, I need to exercise more: swimming, walking twice a day and shift that weight that makes me look like a porker. A BMI of 20 is far too fat, it needs to go down, down, down.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 23, 2009 11:46 am

    I want to say something, but I’m not sure what, since I’m pretty sure that there is nothing I can say which will make you feel better. But the battle to lose weight is not the battle you should be fighting, it isn’t a “worthwhile fight” (I think you know this really, I think you are also thinking I’m a hypocrite for saying it but somebody has to).

    Not eating will not improve your mood, neither will the obsessing, in the long run it will just make things worse. So please, take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Because I don’t believe for a minute that you’re lazy – that’s the evil, evil depression talking, as is all the stuff about obesity. The depression wants you to give into it, that’s why it is telling you lies (and believe me they are lies).

    OK – sorry to sound all ranty, preachy but….
    I did so there.

    Take care,
    Differently

  2. February 23, 2009 12:22 pm

    Differently: I think you’re right, that some part of me knows this is all wrong, yet the other part seems to take over a little too often. It feels worthwhile when something goes wrong, when I’m feeling fat, but then when something good happens, I can see the light.

    It’s difficult to grab depression by the scruff of the neck, and say he’s lying, but I will try. (By actually eating as much food as I need, instead of eating a quarter then passing out mid afternoon). It’s harder to make yourself believe!

    Don’t worry about ranting and preaching 🙂

    xx

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