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The pit of snakes

February 20, 2009

I want to cry but I can’t; I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat.

This pit of snakes not only has venom, it also has whips. I can repent my sins whilst being bitten by the others. Every action I make leaves room for a whipping, to be scrutinised by myself and told I made the wrong decision: You’re not working hard enough, you’re eating too much, you’re too fat, no-one likes you, you try to please others not yourself… it’s endless. I’m losing confidence in myself, and my ability to make (what I feel is) the correct decision. Yesterday I ate a whole pizza, something I’ve never done before and now I’m beating myself up about it. The facts surrounding it don’t matter, that before that point I’d only had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a bagel with bacon on for lunch, so I had every right to be hungry. The sense and logic don’t matter, my actions do. I just woke up from a dream where I ate all the bread in a shop; I can see myself doing that. So I beat myself up about it, although it was a dream. I’m beating myself up for going to hospital with my flatmate, how could I be so walked over to go, and to be with one of the stupid people who costs the NHS thousands through drunken mistakes every year?

I have enough insight to see this is happening, but not enough to control it. I can’t put the paranoid thoughts away; the running upstairs last night from the people with guns who were going to shoot me and had missiles… this stinks of times past, times that I hoped had finished. I want to cry, but I can’t even do that. There’s no-one here to stop me from falling, no-one here to keep me safe… just me making decisions I’m in no position to make.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 20, 2009 12:33 pm

    I know it is no help to you, but for some reason that reminds me of when I was a child and I was sent to swimming lessons. One of the first things we learned to do was nothing — that if you just do nothing you don’t sink, you float. Anyway…

    You seem to be strongly reminded of bad times in your life, as if there was unfinished business that is still following you around. Is it that there is something you have to do to be free of it?

  2. February 20, 2009 2:49 pm

    Do nothing means I float. That could be harder said than done, but I could try to switch off I guess.

    About the paranoia thing, I think it’s partly because I’m a wee bit afraid of the dark, I’ve always been told there are bad people out in the dark, that and then dodgy noises/shouting makes me feel more aware of that. I’m not sure how I’d finish that, and whether it’d reduce my paranoia but hmm.

  3. February 20, 2009 3:11 pm

    Is it generally true that dodgy noises and shouting indicate bad people are out there? Was it perhaps true on one particular occasion, and you are over-generalising from it?

    I don’t even know what kind of noise bad people make in the dark. Or, to put it another way, every time I have heard a noise in the dark and thought, “What’s that noise?” bad people have not seemed the most likely explanation. But if you know the noise that bad people make, and that’s the noise you hear, then it is a different matter…

  4. February 20, 2009 3:54 pm

    I think it is an over generalisation, there’s a group of people over there dressed in hoodies so they MUST be bad. However, shouting does include people fighting or when someone’s done wrong; any form of shouting/voice raising scares me.

    I’m not sure about the noises, I know car noises are bad, but say if at home the light on the path is on, I get scared incase there’s someone outside that’s going to shoot me. Yes, it’s irrational but I don’t understand it either… where it comes from and all. I’ve never been included in any gun voilence, and my area at home is pretty good. I think it’s a case of ‘in case’ something happens, that there is always a chance that someone could be bad, whether they really are or not…

  5. February 20, 2009 5:04 pm

    Here, if the light on the path is on it’s almost certainly that cat from next door.

    It almost sounds as if you have a permanent assumption that you could be harmed at any moment, and whenever you notice something out of the ordinary you try to make it fit your assumption, even if the resulting scenario is absurd. And then, even though intellectually you can say to yourself, “That’s daft!” another part of you is saying, “But it fits!”

  6. February 20, 2009 5:19 pm

    Yup, I’d say that last part is pretty much spot on! I guess perhaps it’s the breaking free of the cycle… which I had been doing until last night. *Back to work with that then*

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