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And when she was up, she was up; and when she was down, she was down

February 17, 2009

I can perfectly describe my mood an hour ago: skippily technicolour. Now? The idea of leaving the room scares me, it feels impossible.

I knew the goodness couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t last… the productivity of it all was great. But an attack has come from the behind: self hate on one side, tiredness on the other. I don’t understand how it can sneak up so quickly.

My ideas of revising French grammar for a test next week, so if I do well I can get a new phone and learning about the German political system have gone out of the window; instead I’m thinking of going back to bed and locking myself in with DVDs and chocolate. Great for sometimes… but all the time? I think it’s not a good idea! I know I’ve already half planned that for tonight: food, then films and relaxation whilst planning what I want to say to CBT lady in the morning. Thing is, there’s a bit of work piling up behind me, that really needs to be looked at.

I really, really feel like I’m shouting in an empty wood again, I feel so detached, yet so here. I want to cry, but I can’t; I want to live, but the concrete cloud is stopping me.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 17, 2009 2:39 pm

    I know what you mean about wanting to go back to bed with DVDs and chocolate, where else would I be writing this from?! Hope the instability settles down soon to at least a vaguely productive level.

  2. February 17, 2009 3:09 pm

    That sneaking up quickly is well known in CBT. It starts with a particular thought that’s triggered automatically by something or other. Moments after you think that automatic thought, it leads to the change in your mood.

    That’s why thought record sheets are a common tool in CBT. The idea is that you write down what you can remember of your thoughts just before every change in mood. Later, with your therapist, you can go through the records and work out which of those thoughts was the particular automatic thought that caused the problem. This means you avoid analysing all your thoughts, and you can focus on the one that’s causing you trouble.

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    February 17, 2009 5:35 pm

    Sorry to read this Kate-rabbit. Give yourself a break for now. You’ll certainly not be able to be productive if you are a wibbiling stressed out wreck. Good luck with CBT lady, maybe relaxation is a great idea tonight in lieu of tomorrow.

    Lola x

  4. February 17, 2009 6:23 pm

    Anickdaler: I hope it settles down soon, too. I’ve set myself some little tasks for tonight, that hopefully shouldn’t be too bad!

    CBTish: Yup, I remember it from last time when I had cbt with the tapes… Why on earth I seem to forget this regularly is a mystery! Did your CBT word alarm go off and were drawn over here?!

    Lola: Relaxation will definitely come later!

    xx

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