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Psychosis, I miss you

February 15, 2009

Being ‘well’ changes your life; suddenly you can do more, concentrate better and that cement cloud is no longer attached to your head. But strangely enough, I miss being scared whitless by the voices, the compulsions and the losing contact with reality. I hated it at the time, understandably, but now I think ‘well, at least there was actually something wrong with me then’. Now the depression is lifting, and the psychosis has been gone a good 8 months, it’s weird. I can’t use it as part of my identity anymore. I’m not permanently in various states of suicidality, I’m just being a normal person, nothing can single me out.

This weekend, certain discussions have made me realise things: I’ve lost the knowledge of suicide: what it feels like to be caught up in the moment, what it feels like to be so close to doing something; I can’t remember the way it goes because now it seems inconceivable and I’ve not felt like that in a while (which is presumably a good thing!) I think what this is comng down to is that I’m losing insight. Insight into suicide and methods, my moods and what can help me. Because in the here and now, everything is hunky dory; I forget the days lying in bed looking at the clouds moving and the lakeside tower; the times when everything I look at is a weapon against myelf. But the thing is, this lack of insight is what got me into this in the first place: a workaholic who never listened to her body and went to the gym three times a week, even with a chest infection who one day just couldn’t get out of bed.

I’m often told about finding the balance, which yes, is a good idea; I need to. The only problem is learning this. It’s different for everyone and isn’t clear cut. I know my thinking in terms of work has changed: I don’t have to do everything that day, some things can wait.

However, I’m scared, scared in case I muck up again; In case I end up in the same position, because that’s what I would hate.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 15, 2009 12:32 pm

    *Hugs*

    Just to let you know hun, I understand x

  2. February 15, 2009 3:37 pm

    Thanks xx

  3. February 15, 2009 4:09 pm

    It’s understandable to worry about these things.

    Just wanted to point out that “just being a normal person” is pretty special too. Try not to allow your fears of relapsing control your life – easier said than done I know.

    Take care,
    Differently

  4. February 15, 2009 4:20 pm

    Hmm, why is it that being ‘normal’ doesn’t feel special though?! (Don’t worry, no answer is req’d!)

    I’ll try not to let it take over me 🙂

    xx

  5. February 22, 2009 3:22 pm

    It’s a true story, true story!

    Like reading my archives recently was so strange, because I remember writing about depersonalisation, and I remember writing about paranoia, and I remember writing about all stuff of its ilk way back in May, but reading it, I can’t connect. You know how you remember the idea of pain but not the pain itself? I remember that I thought that way, but I don’t remember how it felt to. And all the time I was writing it, I was convinced I was making something from nothing, but reading it back I sound insane! Which is hardly going to help the cause of destigmatisation…

    But after that lengthy novel of a comment, I guess I’m just saying I agree. It’s a little creepy to know you can move on, and then it’s a little creepier to know you miss it that little bit once you have.

    x

  6. February 22, 2009 7:46 pm

    I do totally agree with you though, hence writing that post I guess!

    xx

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