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Time flies, history repeats

February 6, 2009

Being the boring person that I am on this friday evening, I’ve been looking at my wall on facebook: present day back to day one.

It’s scary to look at, not to see how I’ve changed, that I can see the depression taking over more and more; but in fact the opposite: how it was always there, I just didn’t see it like that. Too many ‘meh’ statuses, too many quotes I still use and things happening. It all seems like yesterday when something happened, yet it was really 2007. I hate the feeling that I’m losing grip, that I’m not in control; that my life is flying by far, far too fast for me to be in control and to take note. I’m still waiting for my sun to rise, like I was in 2007; still feeling ugly and a failure. But it’s 2 years later. At least 2 whole years of this, how can that be true? How much longer can this go on for? Sometimes I feel like Tally is working, my mood is improving but my self destructiveness isn’t; in fact it may be getting worse.

I don’t know whether it’s a choice of location too: whenever I used to leave Manchester I’d feel relief and then when I got back everything would crash down again; I think that’s changed. Coming back to Birmingham after a really nice day did the same thing that used to happen in Manchester: I slammed into a brick wall, hard and full frontally. Maybe it was the effort of being ‘normal’? The effort of not being able to hide in bed, or decide that actually I wouldn’t go out after all, or just really sleep deprivation and wet feet? Now I’m back, I’m not feeling good at all. I’m fighting an urge I’ve been fighting since 4pm this afternoon and I’m slowly eating my way through everything in sight, whilst wondering what time Tesco Five Ways closes, so I can get some ice cream, chocolate and rice crispies and have a feast. I’m telling myself I’ll go tomorrow, seeing as I need to but that isn’t a good enough excuse. Tinned fruit, salmon, corn or bread is all I can really offer myself right now, I don’t want any of it, none at all. Plain old junk food, fatty food, comfort food. I’m hungry.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. February 6, 2009 11:09 pm

    Tescos Five Ways is, I’m pretty sure, 24 hours…

    As for the junk food, I know that feeling, right now i’m sharing my bed with chips, pizza, garlic bread, chocolate buttons, chip sticks, pringles and drips and two packs of maryland cookies.

    *Hugs* It takes time and patience to get better hun

  2. February 6, 2009 11:15 pm

    I just remembered the pack of maryland cookies under my chair…

    I don’t think it is a 24 hour one, cos it’s on broad st and all chaos would rein! I’m gonna check though. Why the hell do I want to walk for 40 mins to get there though? This is crazy. I just had a bowl of shreddies and put so much sugar on… but I couldn’t taste the sugar; hmm.

    I’m rather impatient, can you tell?!


  3. February 6, 2009 11:15 pm

    Think of the crumbs, Gracie, think of the crumbs!

    *sips Fanta tropic twist shit*

  4. February 6, 2009 11:24 pm

    I put a blanket out, eat on that then it can all be emptied into my bin. Wow, that makes me sound like I’m neat… I’m not really. Cleaner than some places though… (as in the guy’s floor who I slept on last night! Apparently the cleaner had just come… LOL)

    I want something interesting to drink now…

  5. February 6, 2009 11:27 pm

    You guys would be disgusted at my room, its nasty. Used bowels and plates and left over food everywhere, mixed in with food, dirty bed sheets and shoes.

    No wonder i’m not getting any! lol

    The big tescos at five ways is a 24 hour apart from Saturday and Sunday nights πŸ˜›

  6. February 6, 2009 11:38 pm

    Being honest: feeling a bit lazy now. Pjs are on, my room’s warm and the heating would be off by the time I got back.

    Someone just called the hall phone and tried to bribe me to go to the pizza shop with used jeans, then they called back and someone else answered and got asked if they had a big sausage. Hmm

    Maybe we should make a pact to tidy up?! πŸ˜€

  7. February 6, 2009 11:42 pm

    I’ll give you a fiver to do mine, how does that sound?

  8. February 6, 2009 11:45 pm

    Urm, they just rang and offered a free massage?!

    And um, maybe. We’ll see. Ahem. If you carry my shopping back from five ways AND pay me a fiver πŸ˜€

    TBH, I’m not allowed to clean, cleaning materials are banned in halls incase we drink them so you’ll have to provide your own. This comment is getting stranger and stranger. Hmm.

  9. February 6, 2009 11:47 pm

    >>Used bowels

    *blank face*

  10. February 6, 2009 11:51 pm

    πŸ˜› Hush… I’ve had a long week! 40 hours of work time alone, not counting the travelling to work and back… and then dealing with said girl drama from blog…

    I have no cleaning materials because I am lazy and rather spend that money on shoes lol

  11. February 6, 2009 11:56 pm

    Hmm. I think motivating each other would just be a bit easier πŸ˜›

    Wilko Value is the way forward…

  12. Lola Snow permalink
    February 7, 2009 12:08 pm

    Mmmmm used Bowels. Spurious Vowels me thinks one less e would have been better!
    Sorry to hear about the binging situation rabbit. Maybe time to try a different AD?

    Lola x

  13. February 7, 2009 12:16 pm

    Ok…. well, I’ve started to clear my mess, one bin bag down…. five more to go…

    Hope your feeling a bit better this morning, if not, drop me a line and we’ll chat, i’ll need some distraction regardless xx

  14. February 7, 2009 1:09 pm

    Lola: I really don’t know. It might be working, maybe not. Thing is, I’m realising that okay I’m not obsessing over food, but I’m not eating that much either. One of my flatmates told me off the other night because I only did a little spaghetti and said I really needed to eat more. Thing is, I just can’t be bothered.

    Gracie: Well done, I’m still in bed. Planning to go to the custard factory vintage market this afternoon cos I’ve never been and stuff but right now it isn’t taking me! My plan for the next hour is: emerge from my bed, shower and get ready and go, and then by the end of today I have to have vacuumed and done some work. I’d prefer to stare into space personally! 5 bin bags sounds like quite a lot! I perhaps need to drop stuff at the recycling bins too…


  15. February 7, 2009 1:14 pm

    Ooooo! You’ll love it! I’ve been before and its great.

    So, arse, out of bed, NOW! xx

  16. February 7, 2009 1:32 pm

    So, I’ve showered and am dragging Hannah down there… I’ve heard it’s really good too!


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