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February 4, 2009

If apathy was currency, I’d be rich.

My life is big blocks of apathy interspersed with good days, which make me think everything’s fine again. Then I get a big shock as I come back down to earth, to what I’m used to: everything isn’t plaisly patterned and joyous; it’s rather crap actually.

The life where walking for 10 minutes requires a rest, where I feel like doing nothing and I have no motivation for anything. I can pretend, but pretending is different. Pretending isn’t what you’re supposed to do day in, day out. Pretending is for occasionally. That aside, I’m getting tired and feeling the strain of it all. So what if a day turned out good, I still wake up rubbish the next morning, and that’s what I hate. Sometimes I try and stay up as late as I can to preserve the good feelings, it never works. I just feel crappier than I would have felt otherwise. Today isn’t one of those days, today is just one of those really apathetic days.

It’s uncomfortably low, but not low enough to talk to anyone about: friends, family, helpline or other; it doesn’t matter. It’s uncomfortable for me, but attention seeking for others. I just can’t get it out on my own, express my sheer frustration at everything and have someone to understand, because no-one will and that’s final.

I want to play ball, but I don’t: take the pills but for things to actually get better, not to take them day after day and still feel no different. It’s a shame there’s not a magic pill or wand and everything will be technicolour again.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    February 4, 2009 11:21 pm

    As soon as I get my magic wand I’ll give it a wave in your direction rabbit. I wish I had something else to offer… {{Hugs}}}

    Lola x

  2. February 5, 2009 6:21 am

    I can absolutely relate to all of this post; it seems to describe very well how I’m feeling at the moment.

    take care x

  3. February 5, 2009 9:32 am

    I want that magic wand too. Tell me if you find it 🙂

  4. February 5, 2009 1:11 pm

    I’ll wave it at all of you whenever I find it. My MHW didn’t have it, so I’ll keep trying…


  5. February 6, 2009 12:24 pm

    I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.

    Although you may think you aren’t low enough to call anyone, it might be an idea – I’m sure they would rather you called to let them know where you are at now. Rather than let it spiral down or stagnate, and I very much believe they wouldn’t consider it attention seeking. (I should know – I’ve run up the hugest phone bill over the last couple of days.)

    Take care,

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