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Whirling, swirling, reverberations

January 30, 2009

I don’t think this is right, the way I feel. My head is like my soundproof headphones: everything seems really distant, like when you put a shell to your ear. The music pumps into my head, but I don’t hear it. Sure, I feel safer listening to what I want to hear, than what the outside world will make me hear.

I don’t feel well, within myself. I’m not sleeping, but to compensate I’m sweating loads and my heartbeat doubles, like the hit of a stick on a drum. I’m getting the feeling, where I don’t feel. My hands touch something, and the feel doesn’t come out; just a distant feeling that makes me aware that I am indeed touching something. I’ve had enough of this, why should it be like this? Why is it that I’m punished for something that I don’t know what it is? I’m alive and that’s all the NHS care about, a name, a number. The lovely doctor is still off sick, I’ve booked in with another doctor for tuesday; monday was fully booked. I didn’t want to wait that long, there and then would have been good but alas, you can’t have everything. I think I need to go back to 20mg tally and take it from there. Maybe 30mg hasn’t kicked in yet, but it’s been nearly a month and things have been getting worse, not better. I used to sleep like a log, and on 20mg I wasn’t suicidal. Now I’m suicidal, sleep deprived and desperate. That’s not a good combination, and heaven knows how I’ll ge through this weekend. I want to go home, and hide under my duvet. There’s something about home that feels, well, homely, but it’s not possible to hide at home: I’d have to be effervescent and put it on, but here I can just “be ill”. I want to run away and hide, lose the world and disappear. That’d be good, but I can’t seem to see any beaches near Cheltenham. I need to disappear and lose myself, act irrationally and impulsively and get all of this out of my system. I need thrills, spills and peace and quiet; Birmingham doesn’t have that and neither does home.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 30, 2009 10:06 pm

    Hi, just came across your blog randomly. I really liked your headphone analogy, made sense to me.
    I really hope things get better for you soon. It sucks the way you can never get a doctor’s appointment when you need it, hope tuesday goes well.

    • January 31, 2009 12:27 pm

      Thanks, Hannah. I hope it does too, I just wish that the doctor I like would hurry up and get better! xx

  2. Lola Snow permalink
    January 31, 2009 11:10 am

    Oh Kate I wish there was something I could do, this sounds really shitty mate. Are you OK today?

    Lola x

  3. January 31, 2009 12:25 pm

    I just woke up and so far, things crossed it’s okay; I haven’t actually tried to do anything yet, the thought is turning my stomach somewhat and making me want to cry. Last night was good, but it’s somehow losing it’s glow now I’ve got to move from my bed to the kitchen, shower and bus stop to meet a friend. Can someone knock me out and I can sleep forever? Things are so much better when one is asleep…

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