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A leopard can’t change its spots, and neither can an ugly duckling

January 24, 2009

(I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m having a major confidence crisis and just want to hide away and not show my uglyness.)

I wish I was pretty. No matter how much make up I wear, nice clothes I have, how much I style my hair I’m still ugly as hell. I’m sick of trying, sick of everyone that is pretty, sick of photos with people; it just exemplifies the differences between me and them. I have nice clothes, I like them. I’m happy to wear them but the second I step out, I feel self conscious. I can name only a few things I actually feel comfortable in, and I wear them a lot, only natural really. I’m sick of trying, sick of the competition and sick of feeling like this. It’s not like I’m out on the pull, or wanting to compete for being the prettiest. I know no-one actually cares, but for some reason I do. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know why I’m like this, I don’t understand why now. Maybe it’s my being different? The fact that on a normal night out it’s most likely jeans and a top, or skirt and a top? At home that’s fine, we all dress like that so we are all comfortable; here it’s all dresses and dressing up. I don’t have any clothes like that, and I don’t see the point: why buy a dress you only wear a couple of times and gets covered in alcohol? Am I too practical thinking for this?

I like dresses, I like pretty clothes but when I put them on, it all goes wrong. I love the puffy skirts that you wear on the waist that are in at the moment, but a combination of being short and fat means there are problems (and the fact that I refuse to wear size 14 clothes when I quite blatantly am not. If my mum ever washed clothes with that label in, she’d hit the roof, regardless of whether it’s true or not. I bought a size 16 mini from H&M once and the comments, they still hurt.) I want to make more of myself: no more baggy hoodies and teeshirts, but I don’t want to succumb too much to fashion so that in a couple of months everything will have been rendered useless.

Something that’s causing me confidence issues is the question of what my flat mates really think of me. I have other friends, but they don’t like going out, so I go out with my flat mates and I’m fine with that, but I think tongues are beginning to slip, or I take things too seriously. I’m seriously regretting and upset with myself for not making such an effort to mingle and get to know the people the rest of my floor know. When we go out, they all know these people and I recognise them but don’t know them. I just put up a guard and be distant, which is never going to help in terms of making friends! I tried at the weekend, and now I’m just the drunkard, forever to be reminded of that video. Thankfully it’s not on facebook and soon enough it will become chip paper, but things are getting bitchy. I have never is no longer generalisations, it’s pointed comments at someone. The only thing I’ve done of note is last weekend, so that’ll stay.

This is all just whinging, I should just belt up, shut up and get on with life. Actually get a skin. I wish it was that simple and I was pretty. Pretty so that I am memorable, that people actually know who I am rather than forgetting as soon as they turn away; I’m one of those people you past whilst going ‘ew’.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. January 24, 2009 1:27 pm

    😦 Babes, I have this urge to kidnap you and try and keep you safe from everything…. However, as that is slightly wierd and wrong, I will simply say I know what that is like.
    I lived on a corridor of all girls apart from one guy in my first year of uni. I didn’t fit in with them at all, to them I was the drunken slut who had a different boy in my room every night. They called me whore to my face and when they knew I had deadlines on they would run up and down the corridor screaming ‘meaningless noise’ for hours on end. Joy
    Things get better, in your second year, you choose who you want to live with, and it makes life so much better. And as for clothes, and sizes… Before uni I was a perfect 10, since then I’ve gone up to 16, to 12 to 14, upto 16… its all over the place depending on whats going on. Its about coming to terms with your shape, and finding something comfortable for you that suits your shape. Its taken me years to even come close to comfortable in ‘fashionable’ clothes. You don’t have to be in a dress either be to dressed up, just go for sparkly tops and jeans… comfortable medium! And my one recommendation is never ever go out and go mental buying everything from one season…. Just pick and choose what you like, mix it with what you’ve got, and be you hun. You’ve got a hell of a lot more going for you than some of those self obsessed vacuous university brats.
    Sorry for that rant, but I think you get what I mean x

  2. January 24, 2009 1:39 pm

    I don’t mind kidnapping, providing I know who is doing the kidnapping!

    I’m/was the quiet one until last weekend and then it’s all just changed. I think the upping of tally has made me really violent because I keep wanting to smash things! People are beginning to be scared of me, something I don’t want. The bitching here is much more low level: slinking into someone elses room and conversations lying on beds for hours, interchanged with howls of laughter. I’m just not that kind of person, maybe it’s because it’s happened to me before, I don’t know!

    I can’t wait for second year. I know who I’m living with, and we just have to choose a house. So much quieter and just 🙂 I’m hoping. I like my flatmates, don’t get me wrong, but something tells me I shouldn’t mix too much with them!

    Coming to terms with my shape? That’s the problem I suspect! I can’t deal with the fact that I can’t wear the clothes I’d like to wear, and that when I see stuff I like I automatically say no without trying it on. Yes it’s wrong but oh well!

    I’ve just realised that someof the clothes lurking in my wardrobe are 5 years old. When are things TOO old?!

    xx

  3. January 24, 2009 2:37 pm

    Oh…. well… Its just me kidnapping you… You can’t miss me… I look like a princess!

    If you think the tally is making you more violent, then it might be time to change meds, try something new?

    And as for wanting to wear clothes you can’t wear…. and the whole when are things too old…. you should see the amount of clothes I have. I have things here dating back from when I was in secondary school…. soo… about 9/10 years ago? Other things I’ve brought and never worn, still with tags on… In fact I have two formal dresses I’ve never worn and probably never will wear one of them because my breasts are too big.

    I was told the other day to just get rid of it all, the stuff you don’t want… its only material goods and it’ll just hold you back in the end. There are so many other things that are worth more.

  4. January 24, 2009 5:12 pm

    I can absolutely relate. I have inner-tantrums where I think “if my head’s going to be messed up, couldn’t I at least have been pretty as compensation”.

    Like Gracie suggested, there’s no point in buying ‘fashionable’ clothes that you’re not going to feel comfortable in. Some of those most attractive people I know are the ones who ignore all of that.

    take care x

  5. January 24, 2009 9:40 pm

    Grace: I’ve only just upped tally (1 and a half weeks ago) so I was going to just leave it for a little longer (plus my doc’s off sick at the mo, and because I’ve only seen her once, if I were to see another I’d have to keep seeing that one, but I want to stick with her (if that makes any sense at all!)

    I think at easter I’m going to take all my clothes home and sort them out, ones I don’t want can be relocated to either the charity shop, bin or my sister! I’ve been dragged around the bullring for 3 hours this afternoon and been made to try on lots of clothes. I wouldn’t mind but right now I hate shopping and the style I want to wear I can’t! Hell, I don’t even want any more clothes! I’m sure if asked, I could give the whole category of what;s in H&M at the mo!

    You’re right, it’s all only material at the end of the day

    Ruby: I haven’t thought like that, but I can understand where you are coming from!

    Today I’ve been exercising my rights of my purse: “ooh that looks lovely” “I’m not buying it” as you can tell, I’m not grumpy and am always polite!

    xx

  6. January 25, 2009 8:10 am

    You’re not, you know, not at all.

    I suspect maybe you’re going out with the wrong people to the wrong places. Wrong isn’t the best word; more less right for you.

    I effing hate Broad Street – all those cookie-cutter wee lassies freezing their tits off. (SRSLY girls wear a coat when it’s cold out!)

    Go to nights where you like the music. You seem to like hard rock – no spangly tops required there.

    Or embrace twee – skinny boys, plump girls, lots of corduroy.

    Unless I’m totally off-base?

  7. January 25, 2009 10:44 am

    I would just say where whatever you want, to wherever you want to go darling! Unless its totally inappropriate

    And as for wearing a coat…. whuuuuuut?! That costs money!!! Just have a few more drinks, you’ll never feel the cold.

    Plus Kate… If you don’t want any clothes, don’t buy any!! Your supposed to be a poor student, save your money food and books! Just go through your old clothes and see what you can pull together… student chic!

  8. January 25, 2009 12:12 pm

    La: I take a hoodie and stash it in my bag 😉
    I am most probably going out with the wrong people, but none of my other friends like such nightlife… but I have a sneaky plan, I’ve just remembered that me and another girl were planning to raid some indie clubs. Now she just actually has to come to climbing for once instead of doing work!

    I agree, about girls and broad st. People go out in just a dress… I’m sorry but I’m not up for that, definitely up for a hoodie stashed in the bag. At home, I always take a coat (mainly because I know about the pains of a 15-20 minute walk home from the end of the night bus route and how it just wouldn’t work if I didn’t take a coat. It’s only a quid or so anyway! If I’m not gonna buy drinks I don’t mind that much really.

    The night I went to on friday was Indie stuff, my music but the dance floor was full of either tall people, twats or stalkers! I need a trip to snobs at least I think… Followed by Jongleurs comedy club. I need to be more proactive in getting people coralled into a night out I think! The people that don’t like going out like comedy, so….

    Gracie: I still feel judged if it’s not a dress and heels, really. I wish I was a bloke in times like these…

    I may try and find stuff that fits together later that I actually want to wear (as in isn’t too small, big, mouldy or otherwise a no-no!

    xx

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