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Sun, stress and strains

January 22, 2009

Today is the day that I want to run away back to Manchester, yet again there is wind coming through the window and the stress of exams amongst other things is really beginning to cause me problems: My sleep is virtually non existant, I’m irritable as hell and the fact that people keep ringing me is making me really angry. I’m generally quite a tolerant person, I think, but I’m being tested to my limits. I hate being this person, turning into a person that I can’t stand. My teeth are hurting because I’ve been grinding them so much, but I’ve eaten too much chewing gum, and that has laxative effects. Oh, joy. Tomorrow is my last exam, French history; stressed is an understatement. I don’t know why I care now, I don’t know whether it’s my friend’s constant ‘OMG’ ‘OMG’ about well, just about anything or what, but it’s getting on my nerves A LOT; everything is ‘terrible’ and every sentence uttered begins with ‘oh, Kate’ and then a sigh. It’s ruining our friendship. In the Christmas holidays she rang me at least 6 times to ask me the same question over and over, before exams she’s saying such negative stuff and then afterwards it has to be dissected. It’s not what I do: I do my revision, I go to the exam relaxed and then when I come out I forget about it, no matter how badly it went. Me and this guy are on the same level about this, we’re just chilled and she’s telling us to be more nervous. My general retort is 40% and you can fail 2 modules. Then in my head I add STFU, please, it’s making me feel bad. I have just about enough faith in myself and because I’m not that kind of person to get so nervous. It may sound as though I am attacking this girl behind her back, but it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want; bitchy or not.

In 24 hours, exams will be over, finito. Finally. Then I can forget, maybe. Just depends if my old bank card gets taken off the system because my new one has been sent out. I got it sent to my house in Manchester and I was just going to ask my mum to send it to me, but she’s refusing. Penniless fun may be the order of the day. I’ve taken some money out just in case but I don’t know how to get this blinking card to me without going home!

Now, I want to go home. Sleep, see my cat. Get away from it all. There will be no chance of that, but I can’t cope with people at the moment. I’ve turned off the alert for texts on my phone and then I’ll only hear it for calls. Like it or lump it, but for me texts aren’t urgent. If I want to know something quickly I ring someone. I wish I could hibernate, but the guy next door but one has music on very loudly. I’ve slammed my door very loudly and I think the hint has been received! I don’t mind when it’s good music but if it’s something I hate, I gnash my teeth even more! I should be revising the French revolution or something from 1900 onwards, but the mood isn’t taking me. The debate on what I should have for dinner is, though. I have the exam tomorrow, 2 hours, 2 essays, 1 in French, 1 in English. If I had the faith that I’d actually be able to stay awake and write for that long I’m sure I’d be a lot more relaxed, but last week I fell asleep after 1 hour in an exam, so I’m a bit worried. And that exam was at 9.30am, like this one will be.

One way or another, I’m debating my place here; I’m not sure whether I can do this. I don’t mean stay in Birmingham at Aston, no. I loved the university and it was my firm from the moment I got to the subject talk on an open day, but in terms of the quality of work I’m producing. I’m having the mini debate in my head again about the grades I could have if depression hadn’t intervened. I know it’s pointless, que sera, sera and all but I can’t help but wonder sometimes. Even if it all goes to pot tomorrow, there’s extenuating circumstances and the fact that you can fail 2 modules and 40% in each module is a pass.

I wish I could step back and approach this exam with the same calmness I’ve approached all other with, but I’m wondering if this is because the meds are kicking in, seeing as I used to get quite nervous when I was younger. If it is the meds, then one good point of depression was the lack of stress caused by exams; I didn’t care! I used to be a perfectionist, then I became a bare minimalist. I suck at finding the balance, but I suspect it’ll need to be found soon before I lock myself in my room to study all the time.

After writing this, I’m feeling a lot calmer. I hope it stays (well if once I’ve posted this I get off the internet then all should be well, considering that is one of my big stresses right now!)

9 Comments leave one →
  1. January 22, 2009 7:07 pm

    Ah yes exam post-mortems – I hate them too, but there’s always someone who insists on raking over every little detail, like they can somehow think different answers into their exam script.

    I was actually going to suggest you turned off the phone entirely, you should be concentrating on your needs rather than answering everybody elses’. But then I used to have a friend like the one you described above so I may be biased by bitterness πŸ™‚ .

    Good luck and just think this time tomorrow your exams will be over.

    Take care,

  2. January 22, 2009 7:16 pm

    This girl is more “I put this, is that okay” and me going well I answered a different question cos I don’t know anything about that and then she goes argh and I’m forced to start thinking about it.

    The reason I can’t turn my phone off is that I’m waiting for some calls, esp the one from my parents telling me they will post my bank card. Tbh, it’s not her that’s much of a problem phoning, it’s someone else! I think just having it beep every time I get a message distracts me, so I’ve killed it for texts!


  3. January 22, 2009 7:54 pm


    Would your friendship suffer terribly if you told your friend to STFU? << I’m a people person.

  4. January 22, 2009 9:16 pm

    I want to. I may actually do, cos she keeps saying this isn’t ruining our friendship is it?

    Well, after tomorrow hopefully there will be no need to πŸ˜€

    I’m using my revision time well… to make a skirt. Oops!


  5. January 23, 2009 9:00 pm

    I hope you are currently celebrating the end of your exams.

    Take care,

  6. January 23, 2009 10:30 pm

    Hope your exam went well, I am very jelous that yors are over, I have another week to go. Hannah X

  7. January 24, 2009 11:45 am

    I was indeed differently!

    Hannah, I hope yours go well too. At least you only have 2!


  8. January 25, 2009 2:50 pm

    ‘It may sound as though I am attacking this girl behind her back, but it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want; bitchy or not.’

    Oh, the memories… :mrgreen: Now you need to make attacking this girl your trademark. Replace Photo Thursday with Attack Thursday and watch your stats soar! (Yeah, ‘cos that’s what happened to DBAH, blatantly…)

    Every time she mentions it you could really obviously change the subject… it’s not actually rude but it’s difficult to miss the message…

    Suzy x

  9. January 25, 2009 3:14 pm

    Um, well… I’d prefer photos to be there Su! I’m not a stat-a-holic… and for proper bitchyness I have MSN πŸ˜‰ With people who actually know this girl.

    I think I shall try changeing the subject: she’s trying to convert us all into liking pink; we have our own agenda: anti pink! (She’s 22, that’s the thing that makes me want to cry… we all seem a lot more …. mature…. than her. I do not want to wear pink suede boots with tassels on and I’m 18….


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