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Feel

January 19, 2009
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There’s two types of feeling feeling something outside of the body and something in.

I can sit here and knit, and feel the fabrics I bought at the weekend and type; everything like that. They feel nice.

I can sit here with what feels like a sack of potatoes on my head dragging me down inside. I’m still feeling, just feeling nothing instead of something.

How can this be? The two types of feeling; one that has no emotional impact on you, the other that does. In a way I wish I could drown, because that’s how I’m feeling with the sack of potatoes on my head. It’s beating me down, like someone keeps dropping more potatoes into the sack.

I think I’m a lost cause; that’s what the counsellor will say tomorrow. My arms are outstretched ready to embrace anything, everything with a hope that it will work. I’ve tried to distract myself for days now, I drank all my booze on saturday night, and now what? Sit here and do the same again? I’ve lost the confidence to try and make the skirt; I’ve lost confidence in my body shape and size, I’ve lost confidence in my ability to do this correctly. It all feels so futile, knitting this, making that, but what for? To exemplify that you can make decent stuff handmade for the people and planet fashion show? A wee thank you is all I’d get, and enjoyment from making it? If I still was enthusiastic I’d love it, but now the creativity streak has work out and instead of dreaming about colours, cuts of clothes and how to do this that or the other, I’m dreaming about Garlic Bread. I’m not joking, I wish I was. The past 2 days have constituted me making garlic bread, wanting to go and buy some from Tesco and trying to find a pizza shop that does them, and making plans on where I can bulk buy it and then I can just eat Garlic Bread forever. It’s turning into an obsession, better than some other stuff I guess, but the more I think about it, the more I think about my size. How lying in bed all day eating rubbish will not make me thin, it’ll make my waist bands strain more, my teeshirts too tights and show off all the wrong things. I need to go to the gym, I realised today why my clevelage is no longer existent: I’ve stopped going to the gym. I used to do weights and stuff, and because I don’t do that anymore, the muscles are gone. So, here is the plan: legs, tums and bums (I used to do that, was okay but the lady at my old gym was like a barbie doll, so we ran away!) Aquafit (so in a swimming pool, so you can’t see how fat you are (I like!)) or body conditioning. In an ideal world, it’d be circuit training but I don’t think they do that here. Hmm. I need to not take it too far, and hope there are no mirrors in the room that the classes take place in; I believe that’s where my issues began: big roomy tops lie, just I won’t believe it!

Climbing and Gym. The way forwards, might motivate me at least. I’m wondering if I went to Aquafit tomorrow, I’d get to my counselling thingy on time? I could always run there I guess…

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    January 19, 2009 11:47 pm

    Hello Kate Rabbit, not sure how many days it’s been since you increased the Tally, but do you find when you first increase an AD your mood dips before it comes up? Everytime I have ever increased a drug about four or five days afterwards for a week I feel bordering on suicidal – just worth thinking about I think it’s quite common with SSRI’s to get depressed again before you start feeling better? Would explain where all the loss of interest and weight/shape issues have suddenly come back again. Hang in there mate

    Lola x

  2. January 19, 2009 11:56 pm

    Hi Lola, I’ve never increased a drug before, but I did find going onto Fluox and Tally that it did happen then. It’s just I don’t have the peace of mind to think about it, but you are right! I upped it starting last Weds I think, so yes, you speak the truth! Bit rubbish it happens, but the sack of potatoes isn’t so heavy. I seem to be less tired since I upped it though! Anyway end of ramble

    xx

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