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Making sense

January 14, 2009

I had an appointment with my personal tutor today, to talk about Extenuating Circumstaces. At the time, I was fine with it, I can understand our decision: do it in retrospect. That’s fine with me, that’s not the problem. The problem is why I can’t do the work, why I lie in bed all day instead of getting up.
I saw him before christmas about things, so he already knows. But I just can’t explain it. Why I want to put in the extenuating circumstances form. To put it in makes me feel lazy. Like I’m not even trying; he fails to understand that. I will try, I always do. He said that if I start working as soon as I leave his office, that there is no reason why I will do badly in my exams. In theory, in principal, yes. It makes sense in my head, I just don’t know why I can’t do it, why after an hour my head wanders and I’m exhausted and have to sleep. Logically there is no answer to this, and I’m so angry at myself for being like this. I want to study, these courses interest me; just something is stopping me. I wish I knew what the problem was, why I can’t just get on with everything, like a normal person. I’m kidding myself, I’m not ill. Just lazy.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    January 14, 2009 6:11 pm

    It’s the evil voice of depression Kate-Rabbit. It is telling you nasty lies, it’s what it does.

    20mg of citalopram is a piss in the wind dose, it’s very low and you need to give some time to that extra 10mg to start doing it’s thang. You are NOT lazy, anymore than any other person with depression. You’re ticking all the boxes for low mood, a MEDICAL condition meaning you are SICK and therefore giving you…..extenuating circumstances (did I spell that right?)

    It is frustrating, but it’s not your fault. It is the DEPRESSION.

    Look look look into my eyes…it is the depression talking, the depression is not your friend….the depression is being a bad rabbit. Poke it in the eye.

    Lola x

  2. January 14, 2009 8:21 pm

    What lola says. You are ill not lazy. You are depressed. Remember that and don’t beat yourself up.

  3. January 14, 2009 9:04 pm

    Lola: I’ll pick a picture out of the bunny suicides book later to represent the depression, then poke it. A lot. I miss my cat talking about rabbits 😦
    I guess I’ll just have to give it time, and also after exams things may improve because I won’t be so stressed.

    ITS, it’s hard to believe myself, I don’t trust myself but I’ll have to try


  4. January 14, 2009 9:24 pm

    Hooray for one of my blog hits: peeing with suzy. Just below pee porn…

  5. inthemarginsofmymind permalink
    January 14, 2009 10:09 pm

    Could you get your GP or the new MHW to write to your tutor and explain it? They might be able to get the point across better than you, and it saves you the stress of having to try.

    I know what you mean about feeling lazy. I’ve been offered rest breaks and extra time in my A Levels, but I’ve never taken it – I feel like it’s cheating and I don’t deserve it. Eventually, I suspect, we’ll just have to give ourselves a break.

    Megan x

  6. January 14, 2009 11:38 pm

    Hey! I know exactly what its like and I was in the same position almost a year ago with Uni. The way I looked at it was, if I did manage to scrape the grades then the uni wouldn’t look at the form, but if things went tits up, it was covered.

    But you’re not lazy, you are ill, and at some point in the future when its more under control you’ll realise just how ill you were at that point. Take it easy, don’t push yourself and rest when you need it

    Take care hun xx

  7. January 15, 2009 10:22 am

    Megan: I could, perhaps. We discussed that, having it on paper so the uni knows, but I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie? My doctor might just do it anyway, as she seemed pretty hell bent on me getting extenuating circumstances and sending a letter to uni!

    Gracie: That’s why there’s a plan to do it retrospectively. I think it must be that he thinks I won’t work hard if I did it now… I was talking to another friend last night, who is also tutored by him and she was having the same problems with him (as in getting things through to him!)

    I’ll keep on going, the exam today we’ve actually got given the titles in advance and then done a practice question with it; Basically writing from memory. That’ll be why I spent all of yesterday afternoon in bed, won’t it?! I fall asleep after about an hour of work here, so there’s no danger of under-resting!


  8. January 15, 2009 12:55 pm

    Urgh, sweetie, I know it all too well. Good luck xx

  9. January 15, 2009 12:57 pm

    Thank you La. xx

  10. January 15, 2009 8:35 pm

    Again, a big cheer in the direction of ‘peeing with suzy’. Like ‘gime blue’, I will now search it a lot to make sure it stays up there in your hits. πŸ™‚

    Well, I’m sending you good vibes. I don’t think they’ll be much good but maybe the thought will count a little…

    Suzy x

  11. January 15, 2009 10:04 pm

    You only googled gime blue like 3 times. 😦

    And thanks! xx

  12. January 18, 2009 6:09 pm

    Oh, well, sorreeee! Is three not enough?

    Incidentally, I got ‘suzy king wales’ today. πŸ˜€ (Also ‘hang myself school tie’…)

    Suzy x

  13. January 18, 2009 7:10 pm

    Blargh. not too bothered! And well, that isn’t sinister :s

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