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Scared of the future

January 10, 2009

I know my move back to Birmingham tomorrow will be easier than last time; I know people, I’ve had a routine there, nothing is so new as it was when I moved down there for the first time in September. It doesn’t make it any easier for me, though.

I’m really scared of being alone again, having got used to people being around back up here; the area; Manchester in general. Honestly, it doesn’t compare at all. I might not be a student at the University of Manchester, but I love Fallowfield and Oxford Rd and I’ve been out there so many times this holiday, so many good memories with people that I honestly love to pieces. In time, that will come with people in Birmingham, I know, but it just makes the transition so much worse: from love and good times, to something slightly more different where you have GOT to always be sociable, because that’s what your reputation and ability to meet people depends on. I’m probably being petty in the large scale of things, as well as being ungrateful, but I know my friends back in Manchester a lot better than those in Birmingham.

This loneliness aspect is really beginning to worry me. I know at the start of term I was worried, and wrote about it in this post, and then things worked out okay; I got busy. I kept busy, I made friends. But I feel like it’s having to start from scratch again, having been home for “so long”. It seems ages to me, the calendar says 3 weeks. My timetable for next semester looks like this:

4 day weekend. Heaven for some, hell for me. What the hell am I going to do for all that time? Times have been bad enough, at times, and I know that could somehow finish me off. I’m hoping things will get better, not worse and that I will be able to stop basing  my life around keeping busy so my mood won’t drop. I don’t count on it, but at the same time, it can help. I should have a fruity selection of Mental Health appointments to go along with that as dessert, but I have little faith. Maybe I’ll have some surprise letters when I get back? I have every faith in my old MHW, and him trying, but no faith in his boss to actually let me work with another MHW.

Ach, I’m scared. It’ll get easier, it always does; it’s just the preceeding anxiety that makes me scared. I have friends to visit, activities planned and easter break to come home in.

I love Manchester, always will, it simply doesn’t compare; I just have to learn to live with something different. I can handle change for a few days at a time (which is why going away for weekends works) but when it comes to a week or longer, I get attached. It’s the same on holiday, when we’re leaving I always used to cry and now I just get really sad about leaving. Silly, stupid and sad, but that’s me.

I’m beginning to understand why one of my friends is so homesick for where she comes from, you get attached to where you come from.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 10, 2009 2:57 pm

    It’s understandable that you are worrying about your return. But it will be OK. Just remember than you don’t HAVE to be sociable all the time at all – besides you can always use your exams as an excuse in the first couple of weeks if you need time to yourself. I’m sure people like you for who you are, warts and all and yes everyone is entitled to days off from being the life and soul of the party.

    Now about the timetable issue. Have you considered joining any societies. I found it incredibly useful since you get to try new things and meet people in a more relaxed atmosphere. Don’t forget you’ll also have studying and whatnot to do as well but if you’re looking for something extra to do then the union should have a list which might be worth checking out.

    Take care,
    Differently

  2. January 10, 2009 4:05 pm

    Hi differently,
    It’s true, I don’t know why my head won’t listen to me! I think it’s that I don’t want to hide away too much, like I did at some times last year, but I don’t want to go all out and then make myself worse!

    I’m a member of a few socs, and when you add them in, it does fill things up (climbing weds aft, people and planet friday afternoon, german soc thursday evening) but I’m also planning some things to do with friends, like go to comedy clubs etc… because then it’s not going out late, but it’s something I would enjoy, and the majority of them would too!

    Thanks xx

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    January 11, 2009 3:41 pm

    I hope that it went ok? I’d write something more constructive or helpful but I’m so hungover that just typing is making me feel sea sick! Take Care

    Lola x

  4. January 11, 2009 5:31 pm

    Don’t worry Lola, mind you that must be an epic hangover!

    I’m back in Brum and unpacked and have anough food to feed an army, literally. Oh well, should keep me going! I have to keep eating properly, that’s all!

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