Skip to content

Why romance will never work for me

January 8, 2009

So, I’ve scrapped the happy mood I got from reading ‘The Love Academy’ by Belinda Jones. The book made me feel like perhaps, one day I will be able to have proper relationships.

I will never have a proper relationship because I’m claustrophobic and messed up. In my head, I can handle the idea of a relationship: someone that’s always there, they love and care for you, you do everything with them and it’s all hunky dory… Just I can’t get past the initial step. If I even get to the point of liking someone, which is very rare (I normally just tell myself to stop being stupid and to get on with it, or I don’t feel attracted to anyone for ages), then it’s even rarer I’ll do something about it. But, then, when I do end up in a relationship, my mind changes and suddenly that person is my worst enemy: dartboards and insults ahoy; not quite what they were expecting! I’m play even harder to get when we were flirting, and that is saying something!

I’m intensely fearful of closeness. I get restless, scared and want to escape, run away. I’ll try and distract myself when I’m with that person and just think of the way I can get away quickest. I lack the confidence and trust to be in a relationship. I half like having the independence to do what I want, when I want and not have anyone attached to me, but by the same token… It’s okay at this age, but maybe in a couple of years I’ll be feeling different about the situation. And that’s what worries me.

I’ve had bad experiences, in the past, but haven’t we all? Why is it that I lack the ability to get over what happened and move on? I know what happened was bad, I know it’s not something you can snap out of, but when you get your perfect guy who would never hurt you, is willing just to sit with you no matter what, even when you don’t want to talk… I threw him away. People keep asking how it’s going between me and him; it’s not. We’ve not spoken since about october, because I just can’t bear to lower my pride and admit I was wrong. Also, once I get within the same room as him, I feel so, so stressed and just want to run away, which is why it will never work. He’s a gem, I still half love him, but my head won’t permit me to. Let me “lower myself” to actually conduct a proper relationship. Why? I have a vague idea, but this is one twat, out of many guys who has done this to me, that has made me feel so insecure in a relationship. This guy isn’t like that… but I can’t be with him either. And that pains me. I wish things in my head would sort themselves out, and I know I’m not exactly stable right now, but, why does depression have to get it’s way against me? I’m not asking for normal teenagerdom: going out and pulling a random bloke then having sex with him; that’s not me. But I can’t even love the person I want to love. I spent over a year liking him… then the minute we started going out I just… changed. I no longer could stand him, he felt clingy, I couldn’t stand affection; I just pushed him away because I’m never letting anyone into my comfort zone. I tried to avoid him; not exactly a typical relationship, but anyway.

I’m not looking for a relationship, I’m not ready for that; I can’t handle all the baggage that comes with it: not hurting their feelings, having to have reasons for the way you are acting… but I sure as hell wish I hadn’t screwed this up. I don’t want love, but I don’t want to push it away with a big, fat barge pole.

NYE, I was at a club and guys kept trying to dance with me. My friends let them, I either walked off or turned around; they thought I was playing hard to get, I was trying not to punch them in the face. I cannot stand being treated like that, like an object. One thing leads to another and I’m not going down that road again. Running away as fast I can, him chasing me, trying to catch me and begging me for sex. I’m not pretty, I do not need to be insulted and, well I don’t know. Plenty of my friends have met their long term boyfriends in social events, such as these. What am I missing out on? I don’t know, but at the same time I don’t want so many regrets.

I don’t want to feel loved, I don’t deserve it; I don’t want a relationship, but I do want things to work out… just I don’t know if they ever will

Now, something that amused me:

From the Mancunian party on facebook:

6. The mental health act
All anti depresants will be replaced with brothel vouchers as the majority of people diagnosed with mental illnesses are just in need of a good hard shag.

So, anyone agree?!

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Alison permalink
    January 8, 2009 7:43 pm

    Kate just a quickie, if you do get conjunctivitis you can get the drops from an NHS walk in centre or you can also buy them over the counter, I’ve since discovered what the GP gives is the same as Optrex Infected Eyes from the chemist! I intend to get some in, in case this recurs again in the future!

  2. January 8, 2009 10:19 pm

    Thanks Alison, I shall remember that! In Brum, the walk in centre and my GPs are all in Boots; 3 in 1!

  3. January 10, 2009 11:37 am

    “normal teenagerdom: going out and pulling a random bloke then having sex with him”

    Oh dear, I appear to be falling pretty damn short of normality. As do most of my friends. Must try harder! 🙂

    Suzy x

  4. January 10, 2009 4:00 pm

    Well, that’s what happens at uni, anyway…

  5. February 9, 2010 8:14 pm

    Shit, I feel like you crawled inside my head, pulled out my insides and wrote it all down. Literally feel like I just read my own thoughts and the fact you are also called kate makes me wonder if you’re my doppelganger aha.

    Nice to know it’s not just me

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: