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The well worn path

December 29, 2008

I’ve been here before. My feet drag along the path I’ve walked before, not once, not twice but many more times than that. The path to hell, the unpredictable one, the unsafe one; the one that is the same every single bloody time I go down it. I know how it starts, I know how it ends. The ending is always the same, it’s never once gone right; evidence being I’m sitting here writing this.

I wonder how I get to lead myself down this path, time after time. How I never learn, how I never manage to make things right, how I never stop myself from falling. Time after time, I have to pick myself up as though nothing is wrong, and time after time I beat myself up for falling into this trap. I never seem to recognise the beginning, and my memory isn’t good enough to remember what happens each time. Stage one is a flurry of action: over work, no food, no sleep. Anything, anything that tips me over the edge. Then we have stage 2: realisationof what I’ve done, and time to beat myself up over it. Time to drag myself along doing whatever kicking and screaming a tirade of abuse at myself for not doing it better. I should be perfect by now. I’m 18 years old, I’ve been in this job 1 and a half years, so why oh why am I not right? Or, I’ve lived here forever, how can I not know where that is? I don’t learn, I just know. I can’t take being told, I can’t take compliments, I can’t take insults. I have the upper hand, I stamp out my emotions to make sure that I am not vulnerable, even though that makes me more vulnerable than ever before.

Stage three: irrational actions, impulsive ideas, not having a clue what I’m doing, where I am and where I am going… just jumping on the first bus I see, obsessive behaviours… the stage I’m in now. I spend days sitting on buses going from place to place not exactly knowing why, but deep down I HAVE to go, I can’t not go; not going would be wrong. This stage also starts planning and plotting my own demise. What can I do that I know is bad for me? What can I do to make people hate me, so they won’t miss me when I’m gone? Then, stage four. The end. Everything is out of control, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing, I make random suicide attempts using completely obscure ideas, and the worst thing is, I don’t even realise what I’m doing. I just start walking, and then half an hour later I’ve acquired all manner of random objects and I’m standing on a bridge over the motorway. It doesn’t make sense now, it never will but it really did then.

I’ve been reading back over some things, things that at the time most probably made so much sense, but now? I can’t understand the logic. That’s probably where my doctor was coming from when he said suicide is a moment of irrationality. I can understand it from both sides, the side of people who don’t understand and my side, and my side’s winning out.

I have ideas, plans. NYE can go two ways, simultaneously. I know Manchester like the back of my hand, I know how to get from one place to another, I know the area well. How one can do one thing, slip away and do their own thing perfectly easily. I don’t know what’ll happen in the end. Whether what I know I can do will, or will not. It all depends on who takes which way home, if I get to take the 142 home alone, whilst the others take the 192, or whether they all get the bus with me. If they take the 192, I have pure opportunity, I’m going home alone. I can go anywhere, walk anywhere, do anything. It can be set up. If they take the bus with me, it’s going to be a lot more difficult, seeing as they will walk me to my door. It’s safer that way, but it’s not the way I want it to go. We have the problem here: my head is telling me to do this, to go and set things up, some opportune bricks next to the canal, pills or whatever, but the other part of me feverently disagrees. This is what I hate. No part of me ever agrees on anything, and by that I mean anything. I can’t make decisions. I just stand there like a fish, trying to decide. Ask me what I want to order at a restaurant and you can probably see the cogs whirling: this, or that, or that or this? It’s wearing me down, a lot.

I’d like to give in, give the bad side what it wants, at least I’d never have to make a decision again. On the other hand, I want to spite it, to say “ha” and to show my head who is boss. It’s just I can’t keep on being out of control. I can’t loose too many more days on days like these, where I get up late and spend the entire day on buses going around every supermarket I can think of looking for something, then when I find it, decide I don’t want it after all, but I’ll go to another supermarket to have a look anyway. I don’t understand it, or my actions. Why it had to be THAT bottle of alcohol, when I know damn well that the off licence around the corner sells it. The advantage of not having bought it is that perhaps I am saved from a bit of bother from psychosis, which may rear it’s head around alcohol. The downside is, that I’m still desperate for this alcohol. I don’t understand why it’s so important, seeing as I have a lot of alcohol at my feet, and none of it will do! Mango Malibu? No; Get 27? No, but understandable; Cans of ready mixed vodka and whatever? No but I want to bin them as no doubt they’ll be horrible; and Bacardi breezer from April when I started to drink “to kill the pain” except for the fact that it numbed my senses and I did more damage than I would have… So, alcohol isn’t a good idea. Right. So what do I do? I have the concentration of a fish, I’ve tried to do some reading to no avail, I wanted to start my essay today, but experience has taught me that is a very bad idea when in this state and I’ve been watching Outnumbered on iPlayer to the point that I can no longer stand it. I am bored, and want one thing only.

My mind is keeping up all too well with time, and how slowly it is going. How it really isn’t passing, and I’m jolty with energy, yet I still don’t want to venture outside. Ideas, anyone?

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. December 29, 2008 10:15 pm

    I have no ideas – I wish I did. I know that path, and I know that boredom. Try not to be alone with yourself if you have a choice. Take care, stay safe and I hope that things start to look up soon.

    Differently

  2. December 29, 2008 10:16 pm

    Thanks differently. I’m going to try and go to bed now, in the hope that tomorrow may be more exciting (well I’m working anyway, so it’ll be something to keep myself occupied at least!)

    xx

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    December 30, 2008 9:14 am

    Kate. Stop. Stop everything. Stop and take a second to breathe!
    What is it you are torturing yourself about?
    Who says that you have to be perfect?
    Is it just a thought you have in your head with no evidence to back it up?
    Why do you have to be perfect? No one else is, no one else needs you to be. Just be yourself. We like you just as you are.

    Lola x

  4. December 30, 2008 10:01 am

    Be you darling, you’re more amazing than you’ll ever know

    Let someone know what is going on in your head, someone close by, anyone. Just don’t be alone, because its then we start to do things we can’t take back, things that we can’t change. In a split second a whole life that could have been is gone.

    Give 2009 a chance, I have a good feeling about it, I’ve named it the year of the Choo xx

  5. December 30, 2008 1:16 pm

    Please take care. I hope NYE is okay and you stay safe. I am in the same position. Thoughts are telling me to not make it. Meh x

  6. December 30, 2008 1:39 pm

    Take care Kate and look after yourself on new years eve. I you know that its likely to be a difficult night and you can see that you are already in murky waters why don you try to put things in place to make it easier. Invite a friend to stay over after your night out so you dont have to go home alone, or let them know that you would like to travel home with all of them, you dont need to say why just mutter that you dont like walking in the dark by yourself as its unsafe. Youve done the right thing in working out that you are at risk, and when you are at risk and why. Now you just need to put things in place to minimise the risk. Hope things get better for you, Hannah X

  7. December 31, 2008 9:49 am

    Lola: I really don’t know what it is, or why I’m doing it; I just do it without realising, or remembering the start! I think I probably just see everyone else as perfect, and myself as flawed. About the torturing myself: everything I do is an opportunity to pick up on something I could have done better and to chastise myself for it.

    Gracie, I don’t really feel there is anyone I can talk to about it. There’s really only one person and there’s always someone else around, and I know in the past I’ve really, really upset her, and don’t want to do that. I’ll try and give ’09 a chance, we’ll see what happens.

    ITS, you take care too x

    Hannah, thanks. I’ve worked out that if the girl that lives near the 192 isn’t coming, then there’s absolutely no reason as to why we’d be getting that, so the 142 it is. I guess it does work out well in terms of minimising the risk, seeing as they walk past the end of my road with me… and I can’t have them to stay, because the 3 others are staying at her house, so it’d make things really complicated, and my parents would be shooting daggers! Plus, I have to work at some ridiculous time on NYD… I’m beginning to feel a bit more confident that I can get through this, it’s just a case of making sure that things don’t go wrong during the night… just a case of what the problem will be, I can’t predict that!

    xx

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