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Things that I don’t deserve

December 28, 2008

I’ve received some lovely things for christmas, or bought in the days following christmas:

Two notebooks from my parents and a purse I bought today

It doesn’t look much on the hanger, but it makes me feel great when I wear it

A necklace I got from my sister. I’m tempted to make it a thing I wear all the time because I love it so much, although I don’t want it to get damaged!

I went all out on these trousers; I’ve wanted something from David and Goliath for absolutely ages, and when I was in London recently, I decided a christmas present for me would be these (I buy my presents, give them to my parents and they wrap them up. I get what I want at least!). I’ve lived in them so far… That shirt and these= my dream team!

but the thing is, that although I love these “items” I don’t feel worthy of having them. The purse I bought today, with christmas money, so is still in theory a gift, but instead of feeling good about treating myself, after the initial goodness, it was pure guilt. How could I be so selfish to buy things for myself, I’ve not been a good person this christmas and put enough effort into enough people’s presents. I’ve hadmade next to nothing, when normally nearly everything is. The reality is, of course, I’ve been busy and also I’ve not been that way inclined. Also, there have been fewer people to buy for. In theory that means I should have done a better job, but I haven’t. My parcel to my German friend, hasn’t even been sent yet! It’s not the 27th December, it should have been sent such a long time ago. Suddenly, the excuses don’t cut it; me being bed ridden or busy, simply not up to standard. No-one cares about excuses, only actions matter.

I’m going backwards, back to my old too harsh self. Maybe I do need CBT after all…

I think because I’m looking back, I’m also feeling a bit sad about things that have happened. I have to learn sooner or later that things can’t stay the same forever, that dream worlds no longer exist. I can’t get back my dream world, the one where I was dreamy buy psychotic unless I drink myself up. I’m trying not to be that irresponsible, but I have a huuuge yearning for Pear Vokdka and to break into my Mango Malibu. I say treat myself, then loathe myself for doing so. But what have I done that is so bad? Why do I feel like this; like everything I do is a possible moment to beat myself up about things?

I’m lying in bed writing this, my head is screaming one thing and one thing only: I want to go home. Yet this is home (the debate reopens!) I want to go back to Birmingham. To this:

The last night before we all went home, it was lovely. That room is my warm home. I can lie in bed all day with no consequences staring at walls and being warm. I’m accountable to no-one and never have to be somewhere, I can do as I choose.

I don’t know why, I don’t know how; I know that going back to Birmingham will leave me as empty as my wish earlier in the term to go back to Manchester: Birmingham, or my halls at least, will be dead, no-one there. Empty, creepy silence. I don’t want/need that right now; plans are being made and quashed, we’re back to the beginning, again. I’m playing the pretending game yet again. Why can’t this be over?

I’m as impulsive as hell and wanting to take walks near the river. This can’t be a good sign, but I feel unstoppable, like no-one’s here to catch me. I’ve cleverly left the crisis numbers for Manchester in Birmingham (in case my parents decide to look through my stuff in my absence, all my mental health stuff is in Brum. Works well whilst you’re there, but not so when it’s in an old notepad on your shelf… 80 odd miles away. Oops! I’m trying to work out the risk; pretty low. I’m more mouth that action, normally. Just I’m forced to remember times when things have gone wrong too quickly. The time when I went for a walk “to calm down” was the intention; I ended up on a bridge over the motorway willing myself to throw myself off. I have a bus pass, I can do anything, go anywhere. Say I’m going to work and never turn up, or say I’m going shopping, and then conveiniently take a different bus. Anything. There’s nothing I can do up here, no-one to talk to.  I emailed my old counsellor, she said thank you for taking the time out to contact me, I’m really pleased you’re getting on so well. Have I managed to put the wrong thing across, again? I know there’s saving grace, but… I can make out I’m better than I am, I can work out that I’m worse. Lets face facts, I can say whatever, and people won’t think any the wiser; Kate, she’s safe, no risk. I can’t prove them wrong, there’s no way of doing so, but at the same time I can’t make myself look worse than I am, there’s no point in that, I’d just be depriving someone that does actually need help. Thing is, where to draw the line?

I can drop out now, say everything’s fine and let everything rot. Totally screw up, go down the drain. Or, I can go to meet the new person, try to get counselling. Everything I feel I don’t deserve. I’m trying to be selfish, but that makes me feel bad. There’s always people out there worse off than you, always; don’t be so selfish. Part of me tells me that if my MHW has moved to set this up, you obviously need this help. If you’d had to campaign, then that’s a different kettle of fish. You’re not totally wrong for asking, but perhaps you’re just disillusioned. I want to know when that changes, when disillusionment changes to being the truth, that you do actually need help.

Do I need help? I don’t know; don’t care. I just want to chuck in the bucket, I’ve had enough.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 28, 2008 2:55 am

    Kate, there is a difference between optimum/perfect behaviour and normal behaviour. I think you’re expecting too much of yourself.

    You are a good and deserving person and if people didn’t think you were they wouldn’t buy you such pretty things. Not that you should justify your existence based on what other people think about you. You don’t need to justify your existence. The fact that you exist does that. You have as much right to be here, and receive lovely presents, as everyone else. (I’m telling myself the same thing.)

    Maybe everyone else is as broken as you feel you are but the difference is you want to be something better. That sounds like a good person to me.

    The notebooks, purse, shirt and necklace are lovely. The trousers are for young people =)

    Chuck in the bucket? Only if you drink too much pear vodka.

    Take care pet x

  2. December 28, 2008 3:51 pm

    You have some beautiful gifts and I really think you do deserve them. As for being deserving of help. You are and you should take everything that is available to you. I hope you get it. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. xx

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    December 28, 2008 4:57 pm

    I want those trousers. They are awesome. The only person who thinks that you do not deserve nice things, is you. Who says that you have not been good this year? From where I’m sitting it sounds like you have been to your own personal hell and back. That’s fairly obvious from moments where you have been considering death as a reasonable alternative. If that was someone elses story, would you think things had been easy for them? Nope, I doubt it. It’s just because you are right in the middle of the situation that it’s so hard to get perspective. But you survived. You are a better person than your head is telling you right now.

    Lola x

  4. December 28, 2008 5:18 pm

    La: I think I am expecting too much, yes. I guess at this time of the year it’s a lot easier to think back to how you used to be, forgetting that you have to work up to that… I think justifying myself through presents/what I own is a lot like I used to be, the thing that got me into this mess and I’m trying to stop thinking that way. At uni it’s easy, not so here when I work in a shop and you can tell who’s better off and who’s not etc.
    Thanks xx

    ITS, I still don’t feel deserving, but thanks anyway xx

    Lola, I’ve not been good. There are some things you shouldn’t do, that I’ve done. That’s all me, no-one else. There’s nothing else to blame… I guess it is just hard to get perspective… and to believe in yourself. Thanks xx

  5. December 29, 2008 12:18 pm

    >>I’ve not been good. There are some things you shouldn’t do, that I’ve done.

    At risk of coming across like Oprah, when you know better you do better. You’re still very young and you’re learning. You’ve just left the nest. Of course you’re going to make mistakes. That’s how you learn.

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