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Christmas just slammed it’s festive door in my face.

December 25, 2008

I’m feeling pretty empty and lonely, which funnily enough, is not what christmas is about. All day I’ve been at my aunt’s sitting and sleeping and occasionally nibbling but that’s it; I’m too old to be excited about what will be under the book case next to the cat’s scratch post waiting for me but also too young to have children to be stressed out/ excited about. My presents lie on my bed, ready to be eaten, worn or spent: they all fit in a small cardboard box which I used to bring them upstairs. I’m always saying christmas isn’t about the presents, but when it’s today, that feels so, so far away from what I normally say: affection. Purely because I feel I’m not really getting any. I have no loving boyfriend, my family aren’t into affection and well, what now? So, where do we go from here? This is a hard time to come back from; many people’s festive cheer lasts for days, but mine’s popped already! Bad memories of last year come back: I had a jolly christmas day, and then also at around this time my mood popped and never recovered, just dipping further and further leading me to here, a diagnosis of depression. Oh, and I was psychotic a lot last january, something I’m pretty desparate not to repeat due to the sheer horror of it…

I know it’ll be over before I know it, that we’ve had the Winter Solstice so summer is yet again creeping up on us all too quickly. I can’t control time, that in what feels a blink of an eye it’s Easter, then summer, then christmas again. Time goes too quickly. That’s good if you’re feeling down, but it makes me feel like I’m lacking control, because nothing stands out from the other: at uni every day merges into another, the same routine repeating week after week. Don’t get me wrong, I like routine, but where the hell did the last 12 weeks go, and can I name anything spectacular (and positive) that happened?! Maybe towards the end, but at the start? Hell no. Just suicide, suicide, suicide. Hopefully that won’t happen again.

Madonna couldn’t be more wrong, time doesn’t go by so slowly; it flies.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 25, 2008 10:26 pm

    Hi Kate. I’m having very similar anxieties about how quickly time is passing, and uncomfortably memories about this time last year. It’s scary. Your determination to keep yourself safe is admirable and surely has to be a strong step in the right direction.

    feeling empty when you’re ‘supposed’ to be feeling grand is just horrid.

    take care x

  2. December 25, 2008 11:01 pm

    Thanks.

    I hope the feeling for you passes somehow x

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    December 26, 2008 11:46 am

    Time is my nightmare. I’m apparently never using it wisely enough to satisify my inner critic. Well sod her, she has had too much of a voice for too long. Lets lock our nasty self critical voices in the basement, and start living. Hugs to you Kate, Xmas is over for another year, that’s what i asked for from Santa!!!

    Lola x

  4. December 26, 2008 2:41 pm

    Okay *tries to lock away the voices*

    I’m glad Xmas is over, just I’ll be even more so when days are “normal” and places aren’t shut, buses are running etc. But I’m gonna go for a walk now anyway.
    Sounds like a good ask, I buy all my presents then give them to mum!
    xx

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