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Fine again

December 18, 2008

I’m lying in bed listening to a mix my boyfriend? made me. I say boyfriend? because I really don’t know where we’re up to now; it’s all my fault. That’s not the point, anyway, this is: this song: Fine again by Seether.

I relate to it a little bit too much:

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah

I guess this sums up what Hannah’s been saying: depression repeats. I’m on a path of discovery; how long can I survive alone? Tomorrow I have to see the MHW, first time in about 4/5 weeks. And I think it’s going to be the last, NHS time limits and all. Which could be a bit of a problem, seeing as well, I have nothing else…. The university counselling service wasn’t for me and my doctors’ standard answer to my question was “talk to the MHW”. Which is all well and good if you’re seeing him soon; if not you’re a wee bit screwed. If this had been sorted before he went off on the course, I could be FOUR weeks into a waiting list, a waiting list for somewhere, just something I can cling on to… but I have nothing right now. Not even my old counsellor at Kooth is replying. I’m pretending I’m better than I am, but not even tears can flow; I’m dead inside. Routine has settled in, that’s good, apart from everything’s about to shatter into a million pieces: 3 weeks at home, working again, studying, being around family. The things I wasn’t able to cope with then, and now? We’ll see…

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

One day. One day, just how far away is that? Tomorrow? Next month? Next year? In a decade.

As I said above, I have an appointment with the MHW tomorrow, I’ve made a list of the good and the bad of this month. I think that although there are fewer good’s, they’re better, stronger, faster good’s than the ‘niggling’ bad’s. I think the good’s that have come out of it are:

  • my mood’s becoming more stable: less low, less high… more nothing
  • my eating has sorted itself out: not particularly binged, and vaguely resembles normality now
  • I have some form of routine and comfort in Brum
  • I’ve really cut down my alcohol consumption

BUT, we have a few evil twins…

  • being dead inside, emotionless
  • completely lacking enthusiasm and motivation
  • regretting things in the past that really can’t be changed/they happened and I can’t blame myself because of the way I was back then
  • being really rather agitated. Especially if it involves shopping!
  • I’m still feeling like people are going to attack me, then experience mild shock when they don’t/
  • Some craziness about me being a gunman and being on the run from the police. I really wouldn’t ask, since I don’t know much either, although my sent messages do :s
  • Low level hearing things: people calling my name/hearing phones going off.

But I’m fine, honestly. That’s what I’ll tell you…

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 18, 2008 12:38 am

    I hope you MHW can think of another service for you to try, I know some GPs have a practice therapist that people can see, I dont know if anywhere near you in brum has that though. Of of they have an equivilant to the young peole s place in Manch. While you are home for christmas can you see any of the people youused to before uni? Hope things go well tomorrow. Hannah X

  2. December 18, 2008 1:02 am

    This MHW works within the practice, so I guess islike a practice therapist. I’m going to ask him about young peoples’ places and I’m trying to get in touch with my counsellor on Kooth, but she’s not writing back so I don’t know!
    Thanks xx

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