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December 16, 2008

You’re socialising but you’re in your own bubble; the music blares but it’s like you’re in a swimming pool; your friends shout ever louder but you’re like a faulty phone line: you can’t connect. You have a few drinks in the hope that everything changes but it can’t and never will; this is depression: the murderer of your social life since it began, fast tracking it’s way through your body, mind and friends leaving behind a path of destruction. Then you begin to wonder how many others are the same as you in this crowded small town student pub? Since 1 in 4 people supposedly suffer from mental health problems, then you can’t be the only one, right?  You continue to stare at the twinkling fairy lights on the ceiling on the other side of the pub and ignore the conversation going on around you. You’re not thinking about last night’s antics, getting another drink or what to do tomorrow, you’re thinking about how you can slip off into the dark and dirty night to escape from this bubble; escape from friends, family, university and life: death. Where to go, what do do and when. You know part of this is fantasy, just plans being made that will never be realised; but for how much longer?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 16, 2008 2:51 pm

    I understand what you mean entirely, when depressed I often feel like there is a glass wall between me and the world, I’m present, yet separated and distant from it all.

    I’m at university too and have found real difficulties socialising due to my mental health problems, pubs and clubs are just overwhelming the majority of the time. Recently though I’ve been inviting a couple of friends over at a time and cooking tea/ having a takeaway together, I find that much more maneable, perhaps that might work for you too.

    I hope this feelings lifts for you soon. It must be practically the end of your term, so I hope that the break allows you to recharge your batteries a little.


  2. December 16, 2008 4:44 pm

    I’ve been doing that mainly: little groups and going for hot chocolate then back to campus and chatting/splitting up, so then the atmosphere isn’t as pressurised, but I still enjoy somehow the aspect of pubs and stuff… It’s just that as you’ve pointed out, it can be hard to cope with sometimes!

    I’m really looking forward to the weekend and holidays, just being here is tiring; I can sleep the same hours at home to here and feel much more rested!

    I hope you have a nice christmas and things sort themselves out for you too 🙂

  3. December 16, 2008 5:14 pm

    I know what you mean. My trip to London was like that. On the face of it I was like everybody else. Dancing away with them and enjoying it, but I felt like I was floating around in a drug/alcohol induced daze on top of a depressive feeling of withdrawal. It’s a weird state to be in.

  4. Lola Snow permalink
    December 16, 2008 10:11 pm

    Damn peaks and troughs eh? Why can’t we all be feeling good all the time? It’s not fair really. It’ll come back though. It’s just like being underwater for a bit.

    Lola xxx

  5. December 17, 2008 11:53 pm

    Hope that you are ok Kate. I know what you mean about that detatched feeling, where everything is seperate. Hope things at aston are more managable and that your end of term is good. Hannah X

  6. December 18, 2008 12:04 am

    Thank you for the comments, people, I’m sorry I’ve not replied…
    ITS, I agree, it’s a weird place to be!

    Lola, Yup, me hateth peaks and troughs and we can all only hope. What goes up must come down; what goes down must come up!

    Hannah, I’m just foggy headed with dizzyness and aches at the mo and don’t really have much energy for anything else. I need to get better but I’m not a staying in bed person! Hope you’re okay xx

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