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December 14, 2008

I fell off my horse and got back on it. I guess the main point this time is that I did it on my own this time around. These last 4 weeks I’ve gone from seeing someone every week to absolutely nothing, but I’ve made it. At the start, I was doubting that, but, well, I’m here and feeling pretty good. I’ll just have to see what thursday brings.

My moods have much followed my blog stats: lows and highs and constant lows. I’m hoping this is the tally kicking in, since my mood is better! I think fluoxetine just wasn’t my drug; I’ve not felt the same way since I came off it, which I am very glad about, although I have been giving my weight a bit of the good old je m’en fous. I know sooner or later it’ll have to be addressed, but for now I’m in a stable place where I can enjoy things a bit more. I’m coping with it, along with everything else and hopefully can do well in the upcoming exams. I’m happy this is happening, but I musn’t forget where the path to destruction began: alcohol, working too hard and too little sleep.

Since moving to university, I’ve been learning to look outside the ‘everything must be done today’ approach. At times it has meant that things have just got left, but I think it all boils down to the whole finding the balance thing again. Learning to balance work and a life and everything else, instead of doing every piece of work I get set and nothing else. When I first started, that was my problem; everyday I HAD to learn, no qualms about it, but now, I’m learning to manage my time better. I try to say not to work after 9pm, so I can relax/sleep and although it sometimes go to plan, I don’t beat myself up about it. All you can do is your best.

I’ve also learnt to cope with all the changes, although that was inevitable! I can do my own shopping, wash my clothes and occasionally cook edible food! At times it’s been difficult, but I’m learning. Learning not to stand on the scales when I go home, learning that everyone’s different, learning what’s good for me and what’s not.

From 6 weeks ago to now, I feel like I’ve been transformed: from lying in bed making suicidal plans to laughing, joking and smiling. I’m still not perfect, there are still lows, but I’m on my way there. The only problem with this could be getting more help: if I look happy, the chances of me managing to get help is little, even though I still need it; I just can’t become reliant on it like I was. When I see the MHW on thursday I’ll have to plea for help, fight the waiting list and not have the gestures to go with it. It bugs me slightly, but I honestly don’t know what I want: keep things dreamily perfect or endanger it with counselling/therapy that I know I need but right now it might hurt more.

Getting help is a big decision, but should I wait for if/when things flair up when it may be too late, or put myself through it now when perhaps I’m not as receptive? I know deep down I’m still treading on thin ice and this can’t go on, right now things are okay, but it’s a matter of time until something triggers it whether it be eating too much at christmas or something not fitting as well as it did do. That’s when the ice cracks and I fall again. If I can sort something now, it’s less likely to happen in the future, right?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 15, 2008 4:01 pm

    I’m glad things are okay at the moment and feel a little more settled. I think you are right to be cautious about therapy rocking the boat a little. It can make things worse before they get better, but you are also right that you will need it eventually. I hope you work things out. x

  2. December 15, 2008 5:53 pm

    Thanks 🙂 I still have a couple of days to work out what I want, luckily!

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    December 15, 2008 7:18 pm

    It’s not an easy decision Kate, but it’s an important one. Only you know what you need, and it’s worth knowing that for many people therapy is the beginning of a new better outlook on life and body image. I can’t push you either way, but I hope it all comes together for you.

    Lola x

  4. December 16, 2008 1:11 pm

    I think I’m just a scaredy cat of hurting again!

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