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Loss?

December 3, 2008

I was absent for part of the conversation at the Bloggers’ meet in Manchester where Em, Chouette, Hannah and ITS were discussing what they’ve lost through mental illness. Reading other posts got me thinking about what I’ve lost.

My weekends: each weekend comprises locking myself in my room so I don’t do something “wrong”. I use inverted commas because for me, that’s the right thing to do, in society’s view, suicide is a bad thing.

My memory of happiness: I can no longer remember the good things, good times. I can’t remember what happened a week ago, I can’t concentrate on what is going on; I miss so much and it’s all unintentional

My energy to do normal things: work, shopping, walking… everything seems so difficult

My enjoyment of photography: nothing is ever good enough

My red hair, which I really loved…

My work ethic and commitment, everything is useless nowadays.

My dream of AAB at A level. Just BBB, which was only scraped and because I did so well in my first year.

My confidence: I’m scared to be me… because of well, I’m not entirely sure what but I don’t speak up any more.

My “normalness”: I can’t touch alcohol without wondering what’ll happen, if things will go wrong or I’ll have a good time.

I’m in a permanent state of guilt, webs of lies and fake smiles and commitments I can’t keep. I’m relating to “Going under” by Evanesence:

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you –
50 thousand tears I’ve cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you –

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

Always confusing the thoughts in my head

So I can’t trust myself anymore

Blurring and stirring – the truth and the lies.
(So I don’t know what’s real) So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not (and what’s not)

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

That’s what’s happening. I’m going under, again. I have a Drs appointment tomorrow, right time I say: Maybe fluoxetine was working, but at least I never felt this apathetic. I really need to read what I wrote when I was on fluoxetine so I can remember the hell I went through. I hate being left, because essentially, that’s happened again.

I went to see my tutor; he’s going to talk to my lecturers, as am I to try and work something out. I really don’t know the solution; he asked if there was anything they can do, and apart from taking it all away, I don’t know what. I want to be there, I like my course, just I HATE HATE HATE the impending exams. That’s what’s killed it…

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 3, 2008 7:15 pm

    I really feel for you hun, because I was in a very similar situation only back in March… University stress… Depression… Lonliness… It all sucks, but things do pick up again, I’m just crossing all my fingers and toes, hoping that you don’t have to hit total rock bottom like I did.

    Thinking of you xx

  2. December 3, 2008 7:38 pm

    Thanks 🙂 xx

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