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December 3, 2008

In 45mins ish I have to see my personal tutor and to talk about “things” with him. I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up about it, but I just want to hide under my duvet and not go. I’m trying to find a way to summarise the problem of why I am not doing work, and the only reason is that my head thinks of is “you’re lazy” when in reality, it’s not that. It’s just I spend inappropriately large amounts of time thinking of ways to do myself in and then trying to stop myself from doing just that. But, I can’t exactly say that.

I have a way to start the conversation: I’m struggling with keeping up and understanding the lectures because x,y,z… but what is my actual reason for going to see him? I don’t want to be told about the university counselling service, I’ve tried it; I don’t want a sympathetic look followed by tell your lecturers, because that’s just embarrassing, but I’m struggling to work out what I actually want…

The point is that I’m way behind and I keep getting dug deeper every day I go, but I have no motivation whatsoever and a lot of the time I’m distracted by my mind. Everything feels impossible. I’m worried he’ll say well get up off your backside and do work, but it doesn’t work that way. Pressurising myself leads to the inevitable rush of negative thinking, shoulds, coulds and woulds. How I could be so much better… except right now that’s a far off prospect because I simply am not in the right frame of mind for work.

Half of me wishes for a week off, like half term so I could sort my head out… sleep and do the work. Only problem with this is what I miss whilst doing that! Logically it’d work, but the reality is I’d spend my week in bed lonely as hell, then the sunday before I’d do all my work then. Why am I making a fuss of something I don’t want to make a fuss of, just something I have to so that, well, I don’t know what.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 3, 2008 3:45 pm

    Good luck!

  2. December 3, 2008 4:57 pm

    Hmm, but thanks. It was okay, just got told to break things down into little chunks and he’s going to talk to my lecturers… Weird how I feel worse after?!

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