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November 29, 2008

So, I’m back in Manchester again. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say next, because what I want to say I can’t. I’m going to try and word it, just the problem is I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say.

I want to say I’m a complete bitch; all these things I’ve been saying aren’t true. They were both pleased to see me, I’ve not had to pay for any of the things I’ve bought and they’re cooking what I want for dinner. Nothing bad has been mentioned.

Thing, is, why didn’t they tell me grandad is in hospital? Why when I told them about a suicide in one of the towers last year, they got really upset and asked me if I feel like that, and if I’d have said yes then all hell would have broken loose. I want to tell them the truth. I want them to know, but if I do, then that will just make everything so difficult. But what can I do? It’s killed my day, having to lie like that. Moving away has helped; I can be honest for the first time and I know that my parents can’t find out… just, well, I want to see my old counsellor. I’m thinking of putting myself back on her waiting list for the summer, because I know things would get a lot better with her: she was amazing. Just, can that happen? I’ve another 2 weeks or so until I next see the MHW, I have to see my doc this week and it’s all so bad; I just want to be back in Manchester with the counsellor from that place in town and seeing the chocolate teapot (okay, well maybe not on that one!) but Birmingham seems an object, a high wall I can’t climb over to access the services. I’ve decided that perhaps, for me right now, counselling is not the right thing. CBT, maybe, but just not on Beating the Blues! I’ve not done it for a while now, I know I need to, I just hate the thing so much… but what is the point when I have no support anyway. I can write what I like and nothing to come of it.

I feel like I’m screaming in an empty field and I’m sinking. Maybe it’s because I’m 120 miles away from my current doctors with no-one here I can talk to. People are at uni, or busy. People are in Birmingham. My home is in Birmingham… I’m not getting into that debate again! I want a hug and to see certain people. People that aren’t here…

I’ve found out that my friend who lives in London won’t actually be there next weekend and I’m seriously debating about whether to go: I’m already going on tuesday, and after the protest on Saturday, what can I do for 4 hours? Don’t get me wrong, I love London, but I’ll already have been that week, it’ll be hellishly busy and lets face it, I could save myself £20 and maybe do some work. I’m supposed to be going with some other People and Planeters from my uni, and that’s great but they’re going off to see THEIR friends after the protest, thus leaving me to be in a state of hmm. London is lovely with company but so lonely without.

I’m feeling a bit blue and don’t know what to do. I have work to do, and it’d be amazing if I did it, but I’m not an amazing person; I’m more worthless than the dogshit on your shoe. I’ve said all this about my parents, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just twisted. Maybe I’m crap. Maybe I’m right, but how do I come back from this without sounding like a liar? I can’t. It’s how I feel. I like them but hate them at the same time.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. November 29, 2008 6:57 pm

    You want to see the choc teapot?

    Birmingham must have driven you insane!

  2. November 29, 2008 7:02 pm

    Pretty much so. They’re basically refusing me every kind of help right now. So I’m going to moan like mad and stomp a bit and be a bit nasty and then when I see MHW again, I’m gonna moan at him. And maybe then something will be done. Unlikely, but hey, we’ll see…

  3. November 29, 2008 7:11 pm

    Can you not get owt outside of the NHS then?

  4. November 29, 2008 7:35 pm

    Im sory things are not so great at the moment. Depending on what are of london you are in the science museaum is great if your into that kind of thing and their future bit on the top floor is fantastic and free. Also good is the geffry museaum. Otherwise hmm there a a few good saturday markets- portabello and such. Or yeah, I suppose it depends on teh type of thing you want to do…. Hannah X

  5. November 29, 2008 10:15 pm

    Hey sweets… Things don’t sound good for you atm so *hugs*

    If you do want to try a counselor outside the NHS then I know one in Birmingham (I’m based in Brum, not too far away from you by the sounds of it) and I’d happily drop you the details.

    And as for parents, I get that… take care of yourself xx

  6. November 29, 2008 11:01 pm

    Fallfromgrace, that’d be lovely if you could.

    Chouette, I really don’t know what the story is atm: I’m just being pushed from place to place and I’m feeling like I’m not being listened to. My doctor is trying to disgnose me with an eating disorder which I may or may not have and thinking that is the main thing… but quite frankly right now, that is the least of my worries. Since coming off fluoxetine it’s not bothered me and I’ve not even stepped on the scales since being home… My MHW is saying I can’t be referred to the CMHT, my doc is wanting to, I don’t think I can stay with the PCMHT, and even if I do, there’ll be waiting lists. The uni counselling service was a joke and I feel like I have no-one to turn to and to scream out, because I don’t know anywhere. I’ve tried googleing for a young persons’ place in Brum and I’ve not found it… and every time I go to the docs I forget to ask. There just seems to be nothing glaringly obvious. I think it’s going to be a huge list of things next time I go… sleep, some form of help, some other stuff.

    Hannah, it’d be like 4 hours from 3-7 I’ve gotta fill… I’m going on tuesday and doing touristy things, so I’m not gonna feel like walking around again. I’ll find out where the science museum is though (is it near the V&A?) If all else fails: Camden! I love it there, and I’m dragging my mate to Hampstead Heath on tuesday to look out over London (because that doesn’t sound clichéd at all!)

    And argh at my dad: he just came in and said how well I was looking. If only he knew what was going on behind my eyes…

    xx

  7. November 29, 2008 11:07 pm

    Hun, drop me a line on an email on graciedarling@gmail.com

    I couldn’t find an email link to you, and counselling details aren’t the thing you really want floating about.

    Plus, if you ever want to talk to someone… I know I’m just some random… but just drop me a line xx

  8. November 29, 2008 11:14 pm

    sure, I thought I’d commented your blog, but sure I will. Hang on a sec!

    xx

  9. November 29, 2008 11:33 pm

    You just have to catch the tube to south kensington and then walk down a well…tunnel for five minutes and then you pop out and its there. And really well signed. Its just next to the natural history museaum if you know where that is, and its also free and has loads of dinosaws, and things about climate change, oh and an earthquake simulator. Ahhh the joys of growing up in london.

    Guess what, the fire alarms going off.

  10. November 29, 2008 11:38 pm

    Yup, I know it now Hannah, thanks!

    I’m home, so avoiding any fire alarms. Apparently one of the towers and lakeside had it last night; least it wasn’t mee!

    xx

  11. December 1, 2008 10:12 pm

    Sending some thoughts, I’ve not commented much but I keep checking in to see how things are… Alison x

  12. December 1, 2008 11:16 pm

    Thanks, they are appreciated. I’ve not been doing too well on keeping up with everyone, but I will catch up with your blog soon!
    xx

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