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November 25, 2008

Push the boat out, do some work. Why is the most work the hardest thing to do? If I can do this, the weight will go, but instead I’m dreaming of Manchester, London and of reading. Which’d be fine except going home at the weekend means doing no work, going to London means 2 days are basically killed because of fatigue and missing lectures to go and I want to read “the republic” by Plato and “Candide” by “Voltaire” but there’s so much else to do: ILTs, grammar, reading for this, reading for that, essays to write. Just the idea of that sends me into a panic… but if I’d kept up it’d all be right… right? Well, not necessarily. I’m trapped in a grammatical net of week 4 and need to go slowly, too slow for university. It’s now week 8, tomorrow is more grammar, equalling more being behind and friday stands for a grammar lesson. I can’t communicate what’s wrong apart from the link in my head is just… broken… I can’t piece things together, I sit and look at things and fail to see how they’re connected. I can try to learn and it’ll stick. For a bit. And that’s where the problem lies: I’m not doing enough and I shouldn’t be here. I’m a fake to be here, it’s my first year grades that got me here. Grades of over a year ago when times were good… not when I struggled to even get to lessons let alone do any work and learn things. My being here is an insult to those who worked hard.

But I have no option other than to stay here; I can’t go home. Going home would make things a hundred times worse? So what’s the option? To stay battling the high seas whilst waiting for blue skies? Can I even guarantee there will be blue skies and green grass one day?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 25, 2008 7:54 pm

    There will be blue skies and green grass again one day, just be strong and believe.

    And as for uni, if your struggling to keep up talk to your tutor, it’ll help more than you realise x

  2. November 25, 2008 8:02 pm

    Thanks, it’s just hard to hope sometimes!

    And I know I should speak to him, I just think it’s something too petty, really. There’s worse stuff that happens so I just think I’ll waste his time, when I know I should…
    xx

  3. November 26, 2008 6:40 pm

    It really doesn’t waste time, there may be worse things that happen, but at the moment this is something important to you, and he’ll understand and help put in place some support for you from the uni

    xx

  4. November 26, 2008 7:34 pm

    (If he ever replies to my email…)
    Least I’ve tried now so it’s over to him but if I haven’t heard from him by the end of the week I’ll go and drum on his door
    xx

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