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Am I working myself too hard?

November 15, 2008

I feel kinda like I am… I’m sitting here at 8pm thinking I should, another bad should, do some more work… but I really can’t be bothered. My list tells me there’s not really time to relax BUT quite frankly, my mood has dropped a lot and I’m yet again on distraction island, because the razor blades are REALLY appealing. I shouldn’t have mimicked it with a knife whilst preparing mashed potato, but at the same time, now I know the feeling, how good it was, how it can be even better… how my own warm tomato ketchup can sliver down my arm, that I can constantly put pressure on the cut to feel that jolt of pain…

Then again, do I really want to go back down that road? Maybe I should have thrown the box out, the box that could do me some damage but I was too stubborn to. I’m remembering why I don’t want to be on fluoxetine any more. The return of the suicidal thinking, wanting to hurt myself, not caring. Depression… I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t really this bad before, but maybe I was. Just I can’t remember.

I’m wishing I had my memory back, that I could remember what I was like, I could remember facts when I read them, I could look at a number and it’d be forever in my memory. But, no more… Now if I’m lucky I can memorise something after looking over it 5 times, and when someone speaks to me I forget instantly. This isn’t the way it’s meant to be, but what other way can it be?

I’m feeling pretty stupid right now, because what I didn’t want to happen has: this mood drop and the trying to hurt myself thing. Last weekend was bad enough, but what the heck have I done this time?! If only I knew the answer… but I don’t. There are a million and one things I should be doing, I have a list of 10 things to do tomorrow… dying hair, laundry, going to the library, various pieces of work and tidying my room for inspeaction. But how much of that will actually get done? Optimistically, half of it, the easy things. The DVD for French, laundry, Beating the Blues, some reading and Grammar for German maybe? Don’t hold your breath. That all seems impossible right now, I don’t even know what I can eat tomorrow asides from more toast with garlic purée… that’s all I’m eating nowadays, along with shreddies. I was organised enough today to get a chicken pie from M&S and had some mash… but tomorrow looks like more pasta sauce, again. Nice but I’m eating far too much garlic and I want something different. Except for the fact that I really have no motivation/ confidence to cook something. I want to experiment, I want to try but I need to stop spending money, so I can buy food! This last week, I seriously don’t know where the money’s gone (okay well thinking back I can…) but how can I be so lax?! I’m going on another pub crawl on monday, and if the fancy takes me, that’ll be another £30. In theory I’m complaining for nothing… I have enough money, I just am reluctant to spend it! It seems wasteful to spend it on drink, because it goes straight through you. Food is kinda similar: it costs so much, then it’s all gone, so you go shopping again, and when you go to the cupboard, guess what? There’s nothing there! I really need to get back into planning what I eat and when, it really worked when I did that. Just guess what? If you’re feeling utterly rubbish and don’t really fancy venturing out, you try not to and eat the cushy food in your freezer. Which, in my case is ready meal curries, M&S fish cakes and erm, half a tub of ice cream. That wasn’t a good day, and I now fully inderstand why you should put things into a separate bowl before beginning to eat. Thankfully, ASDA’s prize chocolate dishwater (ice cream) isn’t that moreish so I didn’t eat the entire box… but give it time. Same with the over sized chocolate bar that I like a lot.

I realise now I’ve deviated a lot from my original thing, but what the hell, I’m in a mood and I want to complain. About how the kitchen still hasn’t been cleaned and there’s still beer all over the place. Even when there’s been no-one here to clean it (shut up self, you’re just being pissy…). I took the cans and bottles for recycling and hoped by the time I returned from town someone’d have cleaned it up… except on my side of the flat, no-one was here, and the other side deemed that they didn’t need to (even though they made the bloody mess in the first place!!). There were lots of men dressed up as women last night, courtesy of the Guild’s sexual fantasies ball, so everyone decided they needed to get drunk to even hack wearing this stuff… which is all well and good UNTIL no-one fecking cleans up! It’s always me that cleans, never them… so why can’t it be them for once that cleans up?! I can go away for a weekend and come back and there’s still sick everywhere, beer on the table and the rubbish not having been taken out… some of my flat mates are more screwed on than me, yet still don’t do this?! Why? Oh, yeah, because they think they shouldn’t take the rubbish out because they’re female. FFS, what kind of world is this?! If they got a job and were paid less than men, they’d kick up a fuss but when they shop, the boys have to carry their things and they can’t take out the trash. If things are going to be equal, they’ve got to be properly equal and not just the things they want to have to be equal.

Okay. End of rant and perhaps the longest post I’ve ever written?!

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