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Honesty

November 9, 2008

Why is it so hard to be honest? Why can’t I just walk into my doctors’ office, my MHW’s room and just say everything?

Why is talking about my eating and feelings so hard? What stops me? Is it I’m scared of what they’ll think of me? Am I scared of revealing the truth to myself and having to deal with it? Am I trying to pretend that what’s happening isn’t? But why would I want to do that to myself, to delude myself and to make myself even more ill? Why would I do all this?

I’m really confused. A thought just hit me: what the hell am I doing, rambling along when there are things I really need to address. But why is there this wall, a wall I can’t see now but as soon as I speak to someone it all goes out of the window? How do I get rid of this wall? Should I give my MHW some insight by giving out this blog link? It’s not something I’m entirely comfortable with, but at least he’d know something slightly more about me than just inside that room, what happens there is all he really knows of me.

I feel like I’m treading water but sinking slowly, I just can’t get things out. When I’m in the waiting room, it’s all there, ready to be said, but as soon as I go in, my mind is blank. This weekend has been awful, but I can guarantee come tuesday morning I won’t remember any of yesterday… which is a big problem because it’s my reasoning that I want to come off fluoxetine. This keeps happening. I have huge gaps in my memory that I can’t remember stuff from, I can hardly remember yesterday, and I don’t think it’s normal. I can’t remember the advice I’m being given, I can’t remember what was said 2 minutes ago, this is all completely hopeless.

Am I right to feel like this or should I just sit down and wait rather than trying to be pro- active? Beating the blues is making me feel rubbish; I’m seeing less and less the point of continuing with all this: MHW, fluoxetine, my doctor, this blog…. everything. I’m trying to sort myself out but failing and it seems that once one thing starts to sort itself out, another thing crops up.

I love Birmingham and I know being here is better than being in Manchester and living with my parents, so I’ve GOT to stick this degree out, GOT to do well, GOT to pass my exams and things… but what if I don’t? Sure I can resit, but how many times? How many times can I repeat one year? Maybe I should just get a job and give up. But the thing is, that’s a small part of me saying I should give up. I don’t want to give up… I like here, I like my course it’s just I’m struggling. The answer is to learn, which is great, but if you can’t remember what you’ve just learnt, it all seems a bit pointless!

It’s really annoying me: after a blip with the eating over the past few days, I’ve written down what to eat and when, I’ve made a list of things to buy and bought them (and a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have along the way but hey…) and I’ve got through 1 week pretty unharmed when things could have been a lot worse. I should be concentrating on my successes, but why is it so easy to berate myself? Why do I want to do that to myself?

Why can’t I just get this all out?

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    November 9, 2008 2:23 pm

    OK, slow down a sec. You have lots of things to cope with, but there is only one you, and you can only do one at a time. You are doing all the right things so far, and it’s hard to stop berating yourself if you have depression causing low self esteem. It’s near impossible to see the good in life if you are missing the chemicals which help you see the good. Its like expecting someone to see properly without their glasses. You’ve recognised your problems, you’re consulting the experts. You have the situation under control.

    Now you have an MHW appt coming up soon right? So you haven’t actually burnt any of your bridges one way or another. Don’t give yourself a b*llocking Kate, you haven’t done anything yet! What you have done in a few short weeks, is something it takes scores of people YEARS to do. Confronting eating problems is terrifying, and loaded with unecessary shame. When it comes to the crunch, no one can make you do anything. You don’t have to go in there and talk about it, you don’t have to take any treatment if you don’t want it, you can go to therapy and decide not to try. It’s all up to you. Just remember, this is going to be hard for you, because it’s a first time for talking about it, for them it’s just another day at the office. You could be talking about apples and oranges.

    It’s not easy, and if you think sending an email to them first, or giving them a link or a letter would ease the process, then do it! Hell, any port in a storm, i bet it’s nothing they haven’t had before. People talk in different ways. I’m with you on the getting the words to come out, and finding an empty head after weeks of racing anxious thoughts. I’ve been there, i know how stressful it is. But the thing is I wasted 13 years trying to find the right words, when there are none to find.

    Lola x

  2. November 9, 2008 7:11 pm

    Thanks Lola, I guess I need to slow down and prioritise, it’s easy to try and tackle everything at once… that’s the way to fail right out there! Perhaps I’m just a little too eager to be better, and I guess that’s good but it’s all little things, isn’t it?

    I hope you find your right words soon

    xx

  3. Alison permalink
    November 9, 2008 7:35 pm

    I know only to well how hard it is to get things out in the open… I can’t offer advice because I am still struggling with it!

  4. November 9, 2008 8:11 pm

    It is indeed a struggle!

  5. Lola Snow permalink
    November 9, 2008 9:34 pm

    Kate, you’re going to be OK, really you are. Eager is great, and I have to say you’ve taken the bull by the horns!

    Lola x

  6. November 9, 2008 9:59 pm

    Hah, thanks Lola. I just hope this bull taking actually lasts until tuesday morning….

  7. November 11, 2008 2:19 pm

    I know how you feel. I saw my psych yesterday and came out angry with myself for not talking, for not saying how I feel. I will no doubt do the same when I see my GP on Thursday. I find it so frustrating, but my mind just empties or the thoughts go so fast I can’t think at all.

  8. November 12, 2008 12:16 am

    Gah, it isn’t it. I hope you get it out to someone soon xx

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