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Not liking the story my scales are telling me

November 4, 2008

5 kgs. 5 weeks. How the hell did I miss the fact that 5kgs of me have gone floating off into the Great Blue Yonder? I should be happy. 4 months ago, I was hungrily dreaming about losing weight and being under 8st, but, I’m not delighted, I’m devastated. I see this as a further affirmation of the fact that I can’t look after myself properly. All that’s happening is that I’m getting a lot more exercise than usual because I never stop moving, but this scares me and begs the question: what am I doing wrong? I was really fearful about getting on the scales again, for fear of having gained weight, but now I’m wondering how the hell I missed it?! I knew my jeans were looser, I thought they’d stretched that’s all. My life is full of shoulds and small but frequent meals and not much else.

I had to look in the mirror to check that I wasn’t dreaming; it’s horrible. Maybe I was beginning to feel better about myself because my body subconsciously knew I was losing weight? I liked my old body shape. I had clothes that fitted it, ffs. Now everything looks wrong and paradoxically, I feel worse. I had a bit of a belly, yes but I also had boobs! And to make it worse, my mum said this weight loss was a good thing, and that this was a good thing and also how much less food the household now consumes that I’m gone. Great. What is wrong with her? In her book 8st is tremendously obese and all fats are bad. I’m so glad to be away from her now, she drives me insane!

Well, I think I now have all the evidence I need to not buy some scales. I’m obsessing about everything I put into my mouth, I’m worried that when I eat I will gain weight. I’m thinking if I really need to eat that or not. Have I been here before? Yes. I guess it makes a change from last week and all the bingeing I did…

On another note, I’m so happy to be back in Birmingham, probably for the reasons discussed above but also because the whole weekend felt so fake. Everyone was happy to see me, but I don’t get why… Why would anyone want to see me? I’m horrible and no-one should like me. I was so paranoid they were watching my every move. Checking my post, my internet usage, logging onto my email. I’m sure my parents are searching my room in my absence. This is all highly unrealistic, but at the same time I’m thinking like this, these are my thoughts like it or lump it. I don’t know whether I can attribute this to fluoxetine or not, but is it coincidental the increase in suicidal thinking and wanting to hurt myself, intrusive thoughts and feeling generally worse? I have a doctors’ appointment in the morning and I’m going to bring all these things up… and see what happens. I’m not seeing the MHW this week, he’s off or something and I’m taking it as a challenge to try and make things go right. They didn’t yesterday, but that’s 1 day out of 2 weeks. I still did well, and I’m going to look at the positives: I didn’t drink all the vodka and I didn’t use the razor blades. Still an achievement I guess, it just shouldn’t have happened in the first place…

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    November 4, 2008 3:39 pm

    It’s a nightmare situation you got there, but also a huge positive that you’ve noticed so many things. You got your triggers, your mum’s influence, your meds, you are aware of the problem, that’s really good. It’s easier that you know now, whilst you still want to do something about it.

    Once your mood is stable you really will feel so much better about yourself, I truly believe that. It’s so tough to convince yourself that you are a nice, valuable, good company, kind of girl when you are depressed, but it literally is the depression. There is nothing wrong you with you mate, just a chemical imbalance – you got “head measles” or something similar! once you get the right medicine, this will all seem so obviously misinterpreted, you’ll wonder how you didn’t notice!

    Hang in there, keep eating what you can, keep talking to your doctors. You’ll be ok

    Lola x

  2. November 4, 2008 4:17 pm

    Thanks Lola. I went to the docs today and I’m a bit frustrated but hey, such is life.
    xx

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