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Building bridges I never had

October 27, 2008

Me and my family aren’t close; we never have been. On the subject of my mental health they know very little: the last time I tried to talk to my mum it didn’t go too well and ever since the subject has been left to lie.

But, I’m finding myself ever jealous of those who do have a good relationship with their family. The idea of someone to confide in (although I probably never would), someone to be there for you because they have to because they’re family, not because they have a choice like friends do.

This is all well and good until sense hits me: the only reason I want this is because I have no-one. Birmingham is a lonely place. Facebook lies, I look happy on pictures. I sound happy on MSN chats to my family but that’s not the real story. Whenever I’m out I feel so, so insecure like the people I’m with are about to ditch me or I get possessive because I want them to be friends with me, and only me. Then, to flip the coin, when I’m out alone seeing people with their friends upsets me. Family can’t help me with this. I could try and build a great relationship with my sister, but then what? She’s not in Brum with me, she’s in Manchester. She’s 14 and 4 years in adolescence is a huge gap, unlike the gap between me and my 22 year old friend here at university. I can build this relationship but that won’t help because I need people here. Real live friends that can be there for me and like the same things. But my question is how? I know I’m thinking too much and should just go with the flow, but I’m finding it hard to keep going through all these social situations day after day when I really don’t want to be there. Surely it’s only a matter of time before the truth about everything comes out? I can try and hide it, but for how much longer?

15 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    October 27, 2008 7:32 pm

    I’m not going to say run out and tell your family, because that sort of approach doesn’t work for everyone. It’s a judgement call, only you know your family. What I will say is that I NEVER got on with my family at all, lines of communication weren’t just frayed, they’d been smashed into millions of pieces over the years. I fessed up to the eating disorder/depression about two years ago now, and since then we have grown closer and closer. It’s not easy, and a lot of the time I know the accompanying emotions make me want to scream, but its been worth it. I never thought I’d get on with them, my friends who knew me from childhood still don’t believe that my Mum and I actually choose to speak to each other. I’ve discovered that more often than not, family do prefer to know what is going on in your life, even if it upsets them. Or even if it takes a couple of years to sink in! Consider it. If you aren’t that close, what do you have to lose?

    As for facebook, it lies. Its a social networking tool designed to make people fib about how great their life is. If all the people who spend their time on it, had such great lives, then they would not be spending their life checking what everyone else is doing on facebook!
    Hang in there, it will get better for you.
    Lola x

  2. October 27, 2008 7:41 pm

    Thanks Lola.
    I can see where you’re coming from, I guess I’m just scared of the consequences (that and I’ll have to get a job if things go badly as well as be at uni). I hate upsetting people, but by nature depression and what comes with it is upsetting. I don’t like people being close to me either… it’s weird, so I hate people constantly asking if I’m okay, and I just lie my way through. Jeep I’m not good at all :s

    And I need to decrease time on facebook me thinks. And write more!

  3. October 28, 2008 9:22 am

    “I hate upsetting people”

    I hated upsetting my parents. I can’t say we’re in a similar situation because me and my parents are increasingly close. But what I can say is that there was a time when even we couldn’t talk about my illness and we were treading on eggshells round each other constantly. Cue a failed attempt in family therapy and years later we’re talking more and I’m able to say “I feel shit”.

    Sorry things at uni aren’t brilliant. Maybe you should pop over to Manchester when I get back. Can get Han too if you’re all agreeable. x

  4. October 28, 2008 3:07 pm

    I’m scared of telling them, though… I know it’s probably for the best but the idea is just meh 😦 They’ll find out someday I’m sure. They’re just not emotional people I guess, and if I say anything they’ll just be like upset but try and care but I know they don’t really.

    And when you’re back, I’d love to meet you. When is it you are? I’m going back to Manch at the weekend and dreading it ish because I love it there and then having to come back to Brum is a bit rubbish! We could arrange to get Hannah and Chouette down, I’ve met them both before and we talked about something like that when you were back! xx

  5. October 29, 2008 1:16 am

    Arrive home on the 7th (Friday afternoon), my 18th is on the 15th (Saturday – thankyou parents) so I guess I’ll be off my face by then. Of course you’re free to come out for copious drinks in Manchester that day. If not, sure we can sort something else? x

  6. October 29, 2008 10:16 am

    This is November we’re speaking of?
    I can be free any weekend, but I need to know soonish so I can buy cheaper tickets and such! I’ve just tried to email you, but it’s undeliverable? Basically I said yeah sure, that weekend is alright if it’s alright with you but I need to know soon and stuff! Do you have a different email?

  7. October 29, 2008 10:54 am

    I have my hotmail but I don’t want to post it lol. We can use it but yeah, I don’t want to open myself up to internet weirdos just incase they find it etc etc. Oh paranoia. x

  8. October 29, 2008 11:09 am

    I think thats the one I tried, I didn’t want you to post it here! Can you email me from the one in my profile… I think I’ve commented you before, right? xx

  9. October 29, 2008 11:15 am

    I will go do so

  10. October 29, 2008 11:16 am

    No email in profile..

  11. October 29, 2008 11:20 am

    I don’t get why it’s not there but hmm :s

  12. October 29, 2008 12:18 pm

    Emailed you x

  13. October 29, 2008 1:10 pm

    It still won’t let me send, I’m gonna try from hotmail… if it doesn’t work then I’m sure we’ll find a way somehow!

  14. October 30, 2008 1:37 pm

    Ah, you two make me dream of those heady days of carrier pigeon…

    Suzy x

  15. October 30, 2008 1:40 pm

    I’ve worked out the problem, though. My internet provider’s messed something up so it’s not sending. No problem with Emma’s… but carrier pigeon would probably have been quicker!!

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