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Waving magic wands and how to describe myself

October 21, 2008

“I honestly don’t know what to say, Kate. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better, but I can’t.”

That makes 2 of us, then. I wish it was as simple as waving a wand and everything goes right.

So, this morning I had my appointment with the MHW and I pretty much managed to get everything out I wanted to say. It was pretty painful, but I guess now something can be done, and if things get worse it makes explanations easier and someone is informed. Just I feel like I’m selling my soul sometimes.

Anyway, he’s given me some sheets to return asap before the next session:

3 about how I’d describe myself, traits, characteristics and things to do with self esteem; and 1 about my past, present and future. This one is the worst I think. I have to tell the truth and my answer to “In 5 years time…” is that hopefully I’ll be dead. That’s going to be a fun session next tuesday if I actually write that on the sheet and we have to talk about that. I’m beginning to hate having to explain everything in minute detail about how I feel: I can’t just say 1 thing, I have to say it, then put up with the look on his face, followed by an okay, explain… or why is that? I think these sheets will be useful, I’m just scared of the tide of emotions they will unfold, emotions I’ve been taught to supress and now have to learn to not.

My mouth is bitten to pieces from the last few weeks, whenever I want to cry, I bite the inside of my cheek and stop the tears by sending a jolt of pain through my mouth. Except now I think I’ve bitten just about everywhere and I’ve got to stop doing that… The solution would be to let go, but I think something else will happen, something building up inside me that I really don’t want to happen, but I feel helpless towards.

Right, I think now is the time to admit to some difficult truths on these sheets of paper…

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    October 22, 2008 7:10 am

    Put it all down. ALL of it. The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That’ll teach them! No seriously, even put down that it annoys you to have to explain everything. Likelihood is it all feels alot worse because you are so low. But its still valid. Its all part of the process. Even put down if he annoys you, truth is really really important, hard, but i can’t stress it enough.

    When the prozac kicks in you’ll start to feel lighter, I promise. But don’t leave stuff out, trust me, i’ve been there and it just makes the whole process harder in the long run. often its easier to give people a crib sheet to work from, especially if there are things you find hard to talk about. I’m in the same place as you at the moment mate, its horrible and its dark and it’s scary, but I have been like this before, and the good stuff does come back, so hang on in there OK?
    Hope that is coherent,
    Lola x

  2. Lola Snow permalink
    October 22, 2008 7:12 am

    PS Well done for what you did so far, those first couple of sessions are a bloody trauma! x

  3. October 22, 2008 10:27 am

    I think teh more truthful you are, the more they can helpful. If therapy is based on a lie then they cant help you. Hannah X

  4. October 22, 2008 11:25 am

    Thanks Lola, that does make sense. The time is coming close that I have to look at those sheets and start on them. But I’ll be as truthful as I can and answer them as well as possible.

    Hannah, thank you. I know therapy based on lies doesn’t work, because, well, it’s a lie, but the truth is so hard!

    xx

  5. October 22, 2008 6:55 pm

    Come on, you’ve passed one thousand hits, I want a self-obsessed stats post! It’s tradition! I’m gonna stay here till you put one up! I did it, Hannah did it (I think), Chouette did it, Aethelread did it, Alex (not TM Alex but BB Alex) did it! What’s stopping you?

    I love self-obsessed stats posts. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Suzy x

  6. October 22, 2008 9:51 pm

    I know, I realised earlier, and I was going to do one. Maybe later in the week… just what exactly should I say?! And the longer I don’t do it for, the longer we can keep Suzy for ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. October 23, 2008 12:34 pm

    Unless you delay so long I get bored and get lost… ๐Ÿ˜• If you go to all those blogs, and search for like ‘stats post’ or something, our beautiful precedents will pop up before your very eyes and you cut, paste, and edit the bits you need to… or not, then. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Suzy x

  8. October 23, 2008 1:23 pm

    I’m deffo doing it later. I wrote it out earlier, just needs typing ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. October 23, 2008 3:50 pm

    Deffo! Yay! You saaaid it, you saaaaid it…

    *does little dance like drawing a semi-circle in front of her with her fists – you’d know it if you saw it*

    Didn’t realise it had spread past the Bristol preppies. ๐Ÿ™‚ Not that I’m preppy.

    Anyway. I thought Iโ€™d come and harass people personally, so if youโ€™ve got any ideas for what we could call a potential shiny new forum, Iโ€™d really appreciate hearing themโ€ฆ I could even try and find a prize for the winner! *gasp* ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    I hope no one thinks Iโ€™m being unnecessarily cheeky, but Iโ€™m sorry if I am – I donโ€™t mean to be.

    Suzy x

  10. October 23, 2008 4:09 pm

    I just did it… It wasn’t what I wrote this morning, because I was somewhere in the bounds of hyperness and now it sounds really, really crap, so I just wrote something, anything.

    Forum wise… hmm. I’ll think!

    xx

  11. October 23, 2008 6:16 pm

    Suzy is much mistaken I never did one. But when I hit the big 20 I will do one because I was vey dissapointed to sleep through 1000

  12. October 23, 2008 6:41 pm

    You’re very close to the big 20! I did a crap one, but hey.
    Hope all is well with you xx

  13. October 24, 2008 8:16 pm

    I don’t think I did either – I was gonna, but had a breakdown instead.

    I wouldn’t recommend one of those, so how about a stats post? ๐Ÿ˜€

  14. October 25, 2008 9:42 am

    I have, and the best is still to come, just for Suzy all my stats broken down!

    xx

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