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Battling bad thoughts

October 19, 2008

I am in no way educated on what an overdose of Fluoxetine will do, and hell, I don’t even want to die. But, there’s these thoughts, really bad ones, telling me I do. That I should swallow them all. I have 44 pills left, courtesy of a new prescription given to me by my doctor because she’s going away, and for some reason all I want to do is take them all and die, except I don’t.

I’ve been here before… it’s really, really shit. This time, though, should I tell someone or battle alone? I have 2 days to decide whether to tell the mental health worker… I’m less afraid of consequences because my old counsellor explained procedures to me, and they don’t even have the details to contact my parents. So, thing is, well I can do whatever the fuck I want and it’ll be okay.

Hell, I could take a stroll onto the dual carriageway opposite my halls and kill myself.

I’m scared of these thoughts, ones that it only takes a split second to decide what to do, one second between enough sense not to do it, and sense to.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. October 19, 2008 2:16 pm


    I find that scary thoughts are good, because they’re the ones I won’t act on. It’s when I get thoughts like that that I’m *not* scared of – that I turn over and over in my mind like a precious jewel and won’t tell people about that that things get riskier.

  2. October 19, 2008 3:58 pm

    Thanks Chouette.

    Problem is, for me, I’m likely to act on the scary thoughts, or try to at least, and that’s why I’m worried! It’s just if I don’t tell someone then it’s riskier… I know you could say writing it on my blog is tellingsomeone, but to me it isn’t quite!

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    October 19, 2008 5:15 pm

    I heard that prozac would just make you throw up until the cows come home. HOWEVER, it’s great that you are questioning this sort of thought. Its really really important to mention it to someone, however uncomfortable it is. Not because you are necessarily going to do it, but sometimes the thought itself can mess you up. It feels so nasty to be thinking that sort of thing. Also because you need to tell someone if Prozac is making you have side effects now, just in case it changes into another type of thought/side effect later.
    Take care of yourself matey
    lola x

  4. October 19, 2008 7:37 pm

    Thanks Lola. I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and say something… argh! *hides*

  5. October 20, 2008 4:58 pm

    Did you ever see Catch The Pigeon? With Dastardly and Muttley? I’ve now got ‘bite the bullet’ in my head to the tune of Catch The Pigeon. 🙂

    Suzy x

  6. October 20, 2008 7:10 pm

    Suzy, I’m afraid I haven’t a clue what you’re on about, so I shall watch that video with eagerness!

    Oh, I remember that. I’d totally forgotten about that. Maybe watching all that could be my new addiction?! Wowww, how old is my reaction?!

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