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October 15, 2008

Birmingham’s not going well. I don’t want to say I predicted this would happen, because there was always hope it wouldn’t. Except it has. Every time I pick up a knife, my first motive is to use it as a weapon against myself, not food. The stairs would be great to fall down; the windows to fall out. The netting outside means i’ll bounce back to the building and hopefully maim myself. And there are bridges, plenty. I never wanted it to be like this, I never wanted things to go back to this, and they have. I don’t know whether it’s naturally happened or what, but it’s so rubbish.

Things are beginning to niggle to say the least: the security gate outside that bangs, the noise, the whenever I want to eat I have to do it myself and wash up straight away, the fact that if I want something washing I have to do it myself and over everything: work. All I do all day is go to lectures, come back and do the work for them and repeat endlessly to the extent that my social life is becoming non- existant. I’ve met some people, but they’re all 20 or 22 and I know we get on but because of this it makes me feel bad, because of the age gap when really there shouldn’t be a problem. I want my youthfulness to stay, and that youthfulness to not include having to get very drunk every night and have lots of sex… but there’s no-one here like that, that I’ve found so far anyway. Maybe give it time but right now it’s leading to sleepless nights and not having the energy to bother talking to people and make plans. I want to go with people to the comedy club, to gatecrasher on a friday, snobs, wherever. Somewhere Indie, but I’m gonna have to get off my own back and do it, and that’s scary. Since everyone decided they couldn’t be bothered to go on the picnic, I’ve never tried again. I want to but I’m scared of the rejection. There’s an easy solution, and a more difficult one. The more difficult one I should take but for some reason taking that step to the solution is so difficult.

This isn’t easy, I never thought it would be, but I’d love some respite someday…

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