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“university is what you make of it”

October 10, 2008

This phrase is appearing a lot these days: university prospectuses, videos and posters. It may inspire some, but for others (ie me), it brings a sense of doom, gloom and sadness. I say this because I’m trying to make something positive come out of this: I’ve joined societies; socialise with others and try to show the better side of me, the side that people will want to know, but something’s still missing.

When I get time alone, this great pit seems to open up and I end up in a state. I panic and worry about insignificant things that can easily be sorted. Everything feels like it tumbles down onto my lap like a rockfall.

But, I’m trying to make positive changes in my life: establishing a regular sleeping pattern, eating properly and even force feeding myself in some situations, trying to change the way I think and recently added to this list: fluoxetine. But something’s still not clicking, despite trying all but 1 for a month at least. I shouldn’t think too deeply about this, it just ends in upset, but at the same time I don’t want to miss something so obvious it’s staring myself in the face! It’s like a puzzle! I’ll keep stabbing on at this, and try the medication and ‘beat the blues’. If that doesn’t work out, there’s always counselling. I wish I’d stuck around in Manchester for longer because I think I was onto something working with that counsellor, but hey, that’s life isn’t it?

Since moving down here, I’ve realised what good it has done me; I’ve detached myself from any attachment to various people because I know there is absolutely no chance I’ll bump into them on the street or get referred to them etc. It’s sad but it’s helped a lot, so at the end of the day I guess that’s a good thing. I guess also having been able to be seen by the mental health worker so quickly has been good too: I’ve not been left to rot on a waiting list!

Hopefully, one day all of this will lift and I’ll be able to feel that I’m making something of this opportunity and my life rather than just going through day to day things and seeing what happens. That I’ll be able to plan my future and actually get there. Right now, it’s things to get me through the day, to the end of the week, the end of the month, the end of the year. But I can’t see past there yet which is the thing I need to change.

And, a quick snapshot into B4: one stabbing on wednesday afternoon just close to the university and the outlaws are still hanging around outside the court with armed police, I really wish I knew what the hell is going on in there, but I can’t see it anywhere! I might ask a police person tomorrow…

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