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Too many blanks

October 6, 2008

Freshers’ fun is over, and it’s down to business. I have my timetable; 11 hours of contact time a week and lots of independent work… I should be rejoicing, but I’m not. Instead I’m lying in bed for hours on end worrying about what’s going to happen, and the answer is probably nothing. I’ve put off doing nothing for years on end, I can’t handle not having something planned; but now it’s all changed. Any decisions to be made, I have to do them myself. I have to decide what time I need to get up, what I’m going to eat this week, plan how long it’ll take and most of all, plan how to spend the money I’ve spent working for on food, seeing as the student loans company haven’t paid me yet and I can’t get through to them. I’m not in dire need, but I’m reluctant to spend it all on food, when I’m supposed to be getting money to cover it.

I don’t know the area, either. I left Birmingham city centre for the first time in 9 days, and I’m feeling much better; I’m not used to being so restrained, but I’m going to have to get used to it. I don’t have a transport pass, and I don’t have the money to take random bus journeys whenever I feel like it, like I used to do back home. I went to a lovely park yesterday called Cannon Hill and it was lovely, albeit cold and I hate knowing I can’t go more than once a week because I can’t justify the expense. I should be proud of myself for getting there, and to the supermarket this morning on my own with no help, but I’m not. I see it as something I should already be able to do, because I’ve done it at home, where I’ve lived for 18 years. I see my failure at cooking yesterday as a general thing, that I’m failing at everything, but I’m not. I got the bus to the park, the train to the supermarket, cooked edible things last week, but one meal has upset that balance. My mum keeps telling me how proud she is that I’m trying, but it’s hurting more and more. Maybe because money’s running out and I can’t afford to screw up or what. This whole move was supposed to be a positive experience, but I can’t concentrate on good things becase of one factor only, something that shouldn’t be an issue: money. I could get a job, yes, but the idea scares me, and I loved my old job too much to go and work in primark. I’m getting to a sticky hook that’s got me: what am I going to do with all this time? I’ve done my food shopping for the week just about, and I can’t go and explore, so what do I do? I’m freaking out over nothing, but this nothing seems a big nothing.

I’m still doing this weekly activity schedule and finding I’m getting no pleasure from anything, which is also dragging me down: the ‘what ifs’ are endless, my life is built up of them. I get to see the guy again tomorrow morning, which I’m pleased about, I know you can’t change everything in one session but you can try and change something. I want to find out about more services in Birmingham, and talk to the university counselling service but I don’t have the confidence to.

Fluoxetine wise, I don’t appear to be having any side effects yet (yay!) although my mood is dropping, but I put that down to it would do it anyway. Funnily enough, the continuous suicidal thoughts have gone, but I’m thinking it’s too early days for anything to have happened. It’s a que sera, sera moment; I hate how nothing’s concrete anymore and I can’t rely on anyone except myself. Homesickness is kicking in slightly, I guess last week felt like a holiday, this week is down to business. I have my first lecture at 6pm tonight and I’m not excited… I might go and hide under my duvet for an hour or something and then eat the remainders of the pan damaging sweet and sour I made last night. One of the chinese guys from out flat came in and asked what I was cooking, so I told him and he asked me if we make it differently in the west… that’s how bad it is! It’s dark brown and very sour with no sweetness… oops! Maybe I should read the ingredients list more carefully next time?

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