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one month; a lot changes

September 24, 2008

I’d like to think that things are a lot better than a month ago, the time of my last attempt to kill myself. I’d like to think I am more stable, and I think I am: I’m not a boiling pot of anger, nor am I as up and down as I was which is great. I’d like to think I’m a lot happier, and that everything’s going well, that I’m shocked at my own behaviour. I’ll be honest here, I only realised this fact at about 7pm tonight, that’s how little it means to me. I don’t know whether this is good, that I’m not thinking about it too much, or whether I should think about it more. Now I’ve realised, I’m sad. Sad I ever tried, and maybe it’s reflection, that I know people’s reactions on finding out what happened. It is, I think, the first time anyone’s known about it publicly as I’ve hidden any other ones, and they weren’t so recent.

Now, I’m in a state of 2 minds: glad I’m still alive, to have given myself a chance to try and get better, again but part of me is screaming, now that I’ve realised, that I’m pathetic, a failure because even that didn’t go right.

In other news, my picture for my uni ID has been rejected because of my glasses, they aren’t dark, and you can see my eyes perfectly. Very stressed, and I wish I could hide away. It was my last day at work today, too. I’ll miss them all terribly. Chocolate time…

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