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Manchester, I Love You

September 18, 2008

5 years it’s taken me to realise this. 5 years to realise I was making myself hate here, hate myself, hate the people, hate my friends, hate my schools and colleges, hate the people who’ve helped me, hate the weather, the places, the buses, the way my life was. But, I’m having something coming through, a huge emotional breakthrough that I can’t handle.

Since I was little, I’ve been encouraged to never show emotion, for fear of making a fool of myself; if I cried or was hyper I’d be told this, so I just had to bite my lip and hide whatever I was feeling, just get on with things, whilst around me things constantly got worse. I forced myself to hate everything, I wasn’t allowed to like things. I’ve got to make a decision someday to start feeling again, to start having emotions, but the tide that comes with it I’m not sure I can handle, but it needs to be done. Recounting this to my counsellor, I bit my lip when I wanted to cry, and she had to ask me what I was feeling because there was nothing in the air, I hate myself to have succumbed to this upbringing, but who knows how someone else is being brought up, it’s different for everyone. There is no ‘how to’ book, although people can try.

Going through Manchester on the bus, I see Oxford Road, some new students already there, with a worried look on their faces. Normally it only winds me up my bus takes longer to get through, but now it’s hitting in: this is a copy of me but in a different city, a huge map and a worried look. Luckily, my uni campus is smaller than Manchester with only a few buildings but it’s still me, in Birmingham. Alone. And this puts the fear of god into me, that there’s no-one there to stop me doing what I’ve wanted to do for years, and should have done first time round. Should have tied the rope tighter, and cut it a bit shorter and this would never have happened.

There’s the parks I’ve come to love, the bus routes I’ve discovered that take me to random places, Afflecks, the life there, my friends and the huge Wilmslow Road that I know I won’t see in Birmingham, and finally my colleagues at work who’ve become more like family than co-workers. Thing is, moving takes me away from everything I’ve ever known, and the people that have helped me: I’ve been trying to kid myself these last months I’ll see my old therapist again (not him, but a different one) these people that have helped me so much, and I need to get over this. Moving away will be hard, but it’ll stop me from looking and hoping, because it’s not possible. I want it to be, because she really understood me, she really pulled the stops out for me, but she’s gone, and has been since may. I’ve tried and tried, and now things are getting worse, and it’s coming up to when I started seeing her a year ago, things are hard. Reflecting over how things have changed over this year is good, but it’s causing me a lot of problems, too.

I’ve not cut for 3 months at least, now. I should be proud. Instead, I’m wanting to, I’m spending my days trying to fend myself off, thinking about how bad it is, about how I felt last time, thinking so I want more scars? I don’t, but I want to cut. My sister said this before, from a documentary on The World Trade Center, it’s taken totally out of context, but:

Pain is your friend; it shows you’re alive

It’s summing me up right now. My emotions are coming back and I feel all over the place, but then part of me is so desperate. Desperate to binge, to obsess, to stop eating, to cut, to try and throw myself off a bridge. This part that keeps running through me, undoing my other side’s work; the side that’s doing right and well. But what to do?

This, however, is also the reason that I have to leave Manchester for. No matter how much my love flourishes, every time I cross that bridge, walk that route or go to that place, memories come floating back. I have to leave this house, clear everything and leave. I keep finding bloody tissues, diaries of my younger self, notes. Everything, and it’s destroying me, again. I try not to reflect, I know it’s not good for me, but it’s hard when you keep crossing these places. To get better, I have to do the hard thing: move away, places with no association (if I can forget what happened just before I visited Birmingham a few weeks ago).

And in other news, the counsellor that promised she’d be there throughout my move has just told me what I didn’t want to hear: she’s away the next 2 weeks. Does the entirety of the NHS go on holiday in september? This means I now have a bit of a problem, seeing as how she’d said she’d be there every step of the way… Does this mean the health centre at Aston won’t send my registration stuff, either?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 21, 2008 2:18 pm

    Oh Manchester I dont love you, its big and scary. Oh and everyone living on my corridor is a chav or stoner. Is tehre anywhere I should try and visit to gain love for it?.

    Hope the packing and stuff is going well. Oh and that your ok. HANNAH x

  2. September 21, 2008 4:42 pm

    Oh, meep! That doesn’t sound too great!
    My place of love for Manchester is Chorlton Water Park, but it could be a bit far for you! I guess Manchester is different for me, having lived here all my life and indeed it is big, but (sorry I’m trying to think of places near the uni…) I would recommend Urbis, but it may not be your thing. EEk, this is hard! Perhaps just a walk around the city centre? This isn’t much use, is it? I’m half tempted to say I’ll come down and show you good places but I don’t think that’s quite what you want (sorry!) What kind of places do you like?

  3. September 22, 2008 1:10 am

    I like vintage clothing, indie/alternative music with a bit of folk thrown in, and cold strongbow. Just looked up Urbis and it sounds pretty good. I thought if I had time tomorrow I might walk arond the northen quarter, Emma suggested some vintage shops before she left. If you have time/want to meeting up sounds cool.

    PS things are looking up, a nonstoner,non chav, non poser has moved in. 🙂

  4. September 22, 2008 8:37 am

    I’d suggest Afflecks, then! That’s in the northern quarter, too! I think she’s pretty much straight on with that suggestion!

    And yay for something normal moving in!

    Is it okay if I email you about meeting up? (To the email you use on wordpress…) xx

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