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Listlessness and Nothingness

September 11, 2008

I have nothing to say, I feel nothing (emotionally… physically I ache all over; overworking for you!) My mind seems like a blank canvas but full at the same time and slightly wooly in the sense that concentration is majorly lacking! I guess that’s what I’m coming to saying: I’ve prewritten some of the odder posts, ready to be released when my mind is totally blank because I’ve predicted this. I think the main problems lie in 1) I’m working too much, it’s all I do: I get up go to work come home, eat and then go to bed. Then repeat and 2) I’m drifting out of support structures, so there’s nothing to write about on tha front (and because I feel worse, I’m writing less). If that element gets taken away, I think I’ve lost the main part of my blog, but hopefully I can get back on track soon.

I’m slowly acclimatising to this supportless world, and I don’t like it: fog, confusion, continual suicidal thoughts and kicking my sorry ass through the floor when I know that none of this is my fault, waiting lists are not my fault and not accepting I’ve still done very well at A Level. BBB isn’t AAA, but I’m still into Aston. I can only harm myself, not build myself up… if only I could actually hold onto some form of therapy for more than a few sessions I might be able to work through this topic: myself. Why I choose not to eat, why I hate myself, why I won’t let myself be happy, because that’s the easy route… sucker for punishment too much!

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