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I can’t right now, but in the future it may be possible…

September 6, 2008

Is my motto for this week. Whenever I want to use “can’t” I have to rephrase, but I never thought it’d be so difficult! Apparently, “cannot” adds an air of impossibility, whilst “it may be possible in the future” is meant to make it all seem better. I’m supposed to try and challenge the thoughts, but the problem is, the stuff I “can’t” do is happening in the present. For example: moving to university; it only happens once, and for me that’s in 3 weeks time! The idea of leaving everything behind to me seems impossible, and to me seems one of the reasons why I’m having so many problems with naughty thoughts. I guess being scared, really really scared, has something to do with it all… So, another example: feeling any form of emotion whilst talking about things which have upset me. That, I guess is a future possibility, but the problem in the present is that I’ll have eaten my mouth, I won’t let anyone see me upset, that would be failing, and living up to my ideas about myself. When I was young, I was always told when I cried I was making a fool of myself, then adding to that years of bullying, so I never let myself show emotion but it’s creating a bit of an obstacle with everything now.

Whilst writing this, I’ve had a thought: maybe my use of “can’t” is wrong; that I use it to mean ‘I hate the idea of doing this, but I still will’ because I will try everything at least once. In essence? I don’t want to. It certainly fits in with the “I can’t go to uni/work/get up etc” thoughts, but not the emotion. I really wish I could remember what I said in counselling, because the title is my thought rephrasing homework this week, and I had no idea I had even said “I can’t”. I wish my memory was better sometimes!

Right, I’m really confused, and sleep deprived (even though this post was written at work, in my lunch but I guess because I’ve edited what I’ve written again…)

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