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So, today.

September 4, 2008

Three things. Three tasks to complete:

The doctors

That went surprisingly well, no “I’m going to call your parents” but, on the other hand, no action. However, that is purely my fault: I’m moving away to university, so he can’t refer me to the CMHT in Brum (well, actually he could, but he didn’t. Not entirely sure why, it would have made things a lot easier for when I get there than having a few weeks completely and utterly alone when anything’s possible (and that’s my main worry). I’m sad for some reason about nothing happening, but there’s nothing that can be done, so it’s just me being silly.

Onto the next task:

Meditation taster class

Hmm. I’m going to try and not be biased here, because I personally don’t believe it could work. But I’m going to give it a pop. The actual session didn’t go too well, The guy talked a lot about his experiences, and I couldn’t concentrate on the meditation; partly because I have poor concentration, but also because the Northern Quarter of Manchester is a building site, so very noisy! I did feel a bit calmer, though. So, I won’t discount it yet, and another person told me it can help cure depression. I’m going to have to look into that further, because I really am unsure! By the end I was nearly passing out with hunger, so I didn’t really have reflection time (I forgot to eat because I was writing the cookies post before I left the house!)


I just wish I was having more than 3 sessions, and that wasn’t my second. I’d get somewhere, otherwise. I have homework from her, too, and I think it’s something I’m beginning to cotton on to, just that I need to push myself a bit harder with. So, we’ll see how it goes. I think the realisations are pretty obvious, but years of bullying need to be opened up to get to feeling emotion again. We decided I don’t let myself “feel” and when I was telling her things that were actually making her cry (yay professional no. 2, who’ll be my next?) I felt nothing, and if I felt tearful I bit my lip and got on with it. But, it’s how it’s always been, and it’s going to take a long time to change.

It’s partly my childhood’s fault: I never got praised, I was never allowed to play with messy things, and if I cried I got told I was making a fool of myself, so that plus bullying throughout high school has lead me to this point. My form tutor predicted this happening to me in Year 8 if I didn’t reflect and change, and as you can see I listened. He doesn’t talk shit after all it appears.

Well, back to things that make me happy, I guess. Just need to actually unchain those emotions now… This week’s going to be quite strenuous I feel, as I don’t want to be like a shaken bottle of champagne: exploding everywhere!

5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 5, 2008 3:24 pm

    CAMHS in my area have told me that the best way to access talking therapy at university is through the student counselling services and student support rather than CMHT because the waiting lists are too long and to access most unis services you need to self refer so could you try phoning (or on their website) Brum to find out some info about their support. They have said that CMHT for me will just be a care coordinator, psychiatrist and outreach worker. But then I dont think my team knows that much about uni because they mainly work with really small children. Hannah X

  2. September 5, 2008 7:39 pm

    I’m thinking of the university counselling support, but I apparently need to see a psychiatrist, and someone else that I can’t remember, and I don’t think unis offer that? I’ve tried just about everything else: counselling, CBT etc and it’s not worked so my current GP thinks I need to have medication to calm me down and make me lucid? But, thanks. I need to look into it asap me thinks!

  3. September 7, 2008 6:07 pm

    When I was at uni the university counselling service employed a psychiatrist on a loan basis one afternoon a week to see students that the welfare service thought needed to see a psych. She would then refer students onto secondary mental health services and somehow managed to avoid really long waiting lists.
    Birmingham might also have a mental health worker as part of the disability services or welfare services, it could be a good idea to see if they have one and then you could talk to them when you get there.
    Best of luck!

  4. September 7, 2008 6:25 pm

    OOh, thanks for that info. I’m going to ring Aston tomorrow and talk to them about all things support related. Then I’ll know what exactly to do when I get there, whether I’ll need to go to the docs or not.
    I’m debating if I should have put this down on the disability form but past is past, soo…

  5. October 2, 2008 1:39 am

    Whoop for the Northern Quarter… when I’m in the UK I work in the Oxfam Originals down there and just love the place to pieces with its atmosphere etc blah blah blah. Meditation and building sounds don’t sound like a good combo however. Take care x

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