All Aboard

All aboard the choo choo train, pulsing through my veins
All aboard the riverboat, the one that goes to the edge
All aboard my thoughts, my feelings
All aboard the suicide train
There’s something coarsing through my brain, my head, my feeling. The ‘do it, do it’ feeling. The irresistible urge. The can’t stop got a date with, well, [...]

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More Photos…

I have nothing much to say at the moment; my brain’s on holiday and my feelings have gone with. There’s a gentle weight resting on me but it’s not too bad. I’m just floating around, this week’s been fairly good and long may it last.
I saw the doc again today, turned up and soothed her [...]

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Impulsivity

Snip snap, quick decisions quickly made. Listen to your head, you silly girl. No, don’t do that; do this instead.
My head’s being really loud and controlling. Having lots of urges and obsessions and things I can’t let go, I just have to do. Just the thing is, that it involves my accidentally large stockpile of [...]

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All or Nothing

Apathy, completely blank or emotions flowing through you; negativity et al.
I don’t actually know what’s worse- to feel something, which is an indicator of feeling better, but still feels equally bad, to nothing and numb as hell.
I sense it’s a grass is greener on the other side moment…
Things, at the moment, aren’t as good as [...]

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Suicide

To have fought this far, to have tried so hard, to have resisted so much would all have been a waste, if I were to give in now. A whole year or so of fighting everything off left, right and centre. It’d all have been in vain, it’d have all been pointless if I were [...]

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Hurting people by accident

I think in the arena of depresion, it’s too easy for certain things to become normal. For me, suicidal ideation is part and parcel of my life, yet other people can’t understand and get upset about it, they can’t bear or work out why you would want to kill yourself; it’s obvious to me why [...]

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Conversations with my 13 year old self

Last night I discovered some parts of my past, the traces of my 13 year old online self. I hate myself for who I was, I know at that age things are different and you grow up, but now who I was I can’t bear in other people, so how can I bear myself? Text [...]

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When the going gets tough…

The tough bury themselves in books/eat too much chocolate/clean obsessively/spend lots of time cooking/actually do some work/watch DVDs/go for walks in the cold with barely anything on.
This weekend has been hell.

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Home?

I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple.
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.
And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you.
Pink cards and flowers on your window,
Your friends [...]

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Cleaning out my closet

Bits and bobs from my drafts bin that’d never see the light of day otherwise… They vary in age: some are pretty recent (the last couple of days, some a bit older).
Words and expression
The German for Anorexia is ‘Magersucht’, literally ’skinny addiction’.
I think it’s better than the English beating around the bush (anorexia), although perhaps [...]

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