Untangling the knot

There’s a knot of crossed wires, thoughts and ideas floating around that I can’t work out. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, that I know, but I want to do some damage to myself. I would like to disappear, to be gone, maybe just… go. I want to miss a [...]

Read Full Post »

A decision isn’t always right

Like the one I made 8 and a bit years ago. I got some girls in my year done for bullying; at the time my parents, teachers and pastoral leader thought it was the right decision. But it wasn’t. The bullying got worse, more people joined in and I didn’t tell a soul. It wasn’t [...]

Read Full Post »

The appearance factor

Whilst I can’t help but feel that things are generally improving mental health wise, it seems that my self hatred is spiralling down a steep crevice.
So far I’ve managed several days in a bikini, albeit slighlty uncomfortably; yet now I can’t bear to even look in the mirror or shower. It seems it all began [...]

Read Full Post »

Shells and Identity

A person is a shell, the inner lining of a shell. There’s both an inside and an outside, one can be seen more easily than the other. When it rains, it looks duller; when it’s sunny it’s brighter- same with people. Bad moods are like rain; good like sunshine. Depression has the same effect as [...]

Read Full Post »

Seasick

The wind of my mind rushes by, so fast, so abrasively. The salt from the sea eroding the sense that things make. The boat is going steadily, for that is me. It’s the rest of me, apart from my mind; my mind is enveloped in gale force winds, winds that keep accelerating and accelerating, until [...]

Read Full Post »

Slippage

I’m slipping further and deeper into the murky, muddy waters. Was it my fault? Probably. Was it always going to happen? Who knows… There’s never going to be a clean cut answer to this, maybe it was a temporary up, maybe it was meant to stay good but I messed it up. I don’t want [...]

Read Full Post »

Severe weather warning: storm ahead

oops.
Why did I do this, like I’ve done so many times before. Because I’ll never learn, will I? Now it’s time to weather the storm. Shame a waterproof won’t help, seeing as I spend my time surrounded by them…

Read Full Post »

Listen to your heart

Listening to yourself is a good thing, it’s like an early warning system: if things are getting too much it will tell you. For example, it can tell you if you’re working too much. And am I? Yep! What am I doing with the warning signals? Not much, just blocking them out. Is this wise? [...]

Read Full Post »

Getting comfortable

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin…
I’ve been reading Prozac Nation these last few days (interesting, but does nothing for the mood!) and I just read a chapter where she talks about how sometimes you can get into a sort of comfort zone and to aid your recovery you have to break out of it. [...]

Read Full Post »

Mist. Fog. Cloud. Call it what you will, but here it is. There’s something creeping over me, like clouds across the sky. A breeze gently blowing across something that isn’t a town, city or country; a breeze that’s blowing across my head, bringing the stormy clouds together, to cloud my judgement, to cloud my senses, [...]

Read Full Post »