Everything’s changing. Again

Last week of work. I’ll never see some of these people again. I’ll never go to these places again. Everyone’s loving the partying that’s coming with the end, but for me, the end scares me. Change scares me. And I don’t want it to. It feels so unnecessary.

On top of this, I’m trying to keep some control of my head. I feel so crazy. I see everything I’m doing it, can analyse it and it scares the hell out of me. That when someone upsets me I go on some form of binge. When I get let down, same happens. I’m trying to control my mood, to make it better by eating something something – normally something pops up and I HAVE to have it, if I don’t have it I won’t be happy. But it never works that way, afterwards I feel worse because I’ve given in and eaten whatever it is, however bad for me it is, and normally in large quantities. I don’t feel I can control it though. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want more input, more therapy whatever and chances are I wouldn’t get it. But I feel so messed up that I do this every time. That everytime I look at myself, I meet criteria for something, something I don’t want to have. Maybe I should just dose myself up and go back to sleep.

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